21 days to form a habit

I have had many jobs over the years, and gotten to know a lot of people on a very personal level. I mean we spend more time with each other than we do our own families. They say it takes only 21 days to form a habit, so after 21 days we form a comfort in coming into work everyday, and seeing the same faces. When I've changed jobs I've always got this overwhelming sadness of leaving my "work family" and today I had to say goodbye to one of those family members.

 This co-worker and I have spent almost everyday together since we started working at our current job. We would take our breaks together, go get lunch together and whatnot. This co-worker was nothing more than a co-worker, we never talked outside of work, we never hung out but I formed a habit of knowing everyday I would come into work and see this person.

What I find troubling, is not that I won't see this person anymore, not that this person no longer works with me, but that this person has chosen the life of gang violence is a better route for him. My co-worker came in and got his final paycheck and bragged about the new tattoo's on his hands that showed off the affiliation to this new gang, and about how he's getting it "blasted on his neck and bottom of his chin" I wanted nothing more than to grab this person and shout "STOP! Don't do this" "You are better than this!" but the person who walked in today, was not the person I saw last week.

This person was cold, this person was hard, not the outgoing, funny person I knew a week ago. Today my heart is a little broken, again, not because I am no longer working with him but because I lost my friend to the gang life. I am almost 28 years old and this is my first experience with this type of thing. I am trying so hard to process this but for the life of me I can't understand why.

Maybe I don't understand because of the life I've lived, the way I was raised but I don't understand why someone who has so much potential, would chose the gang life over everything else? Over freedom, over family, over life.

Why would a parent chose the life of gangs and drugs over their child? I gave this co-worker many praises for how much they showed off their child, talked about their child and now they are choosing to drag this same child, down a road of violence.

My heart is broken for this child.
My heart is broken for this co-worker.

Why?

Being my own hero.

Today is a little better than yesterday. I don't feel so....dark. I've decided I need to make some needed changes in my life, and take more control. I am allowing too many outside factors affect my happiness and sanity. Today I woke up and decided no more. No more craziness. No more tears. No more "what ifs." No more.

Yesterday, I went and applied at a new job. I am still at my current job but I think I need a change of pace. I love the team I work with dearly, but I am not a fan of the atmosphere of the job as a whole. People act like smiling is a disease and being friendly will kill you. I thrive on positive vibes and friendly smiles so I need to put myself around people like that. I have learned a lot working with Medicare and will be saving my pennies because DAMN! How people can sleep at night while charging our senior citizens so much money for insurance is beyond me! If I had it my way, I would give people 65 and above free Medicaid. This is not a jab against the company I work for, but more against the medical system as a whole. I don't believe charging a 90 year old man for medical insurance is okay. It truly bothers me.

On top of changing my job, I am planning on moving here soon too. There is just too many memories lingering in my current place. I need a fresh start and to make new memories. If I had it my way, I would move up to Spanish Fork and live closer to my two best friends. I neeeeeed them in my life more. Speaking about my best friends, let me take a second here and tell you about my best friend.....

Sesha, my best friend, my person, my rock, that girl has carried me and was strong for me when I was unable to be strong for myself. She is my solider who defends my honor, and supports me, even when she is completely against what I am doing. She is truly my soul mate. I always thought my soul mate would come in a male form, but I am so grateful I found my soul mate in my best friend. I've had many best friends over the years, but the connection she and I have is like none I've ever experienced. I never have to question her loyalty, or if she has my back. I just know she always does, and always will. Only a few people know this but when I found out I was pregnant with my 5th child I was planning on having an abortion because I already had 4 and didn't think I would be able to balance another one. I worried that another child would stretch out my energy, money and sanity too thin. I was unable to afford to have an abortion and even though she was completely against abortions, she was not only going to give me the money to do it, she was going to hold my hand while it was done. Ever since then, I've had the deepest love and loyalty to her. I loved her before than but that moment made me appreciate her on a new, deeper level. She is the true definition of a self-less person. She was willing to put her feelings and beliefs aside because she knew I needed her. I am very happy and grateful to say that I didn't go through with the abortion because my little Aydn is such a blessing and I couldn't imagine my life without him. (On a side note: I diiiiid get everything cut and tied so I wouldn't ever be put in that situation again though.)  Sesha is not only my best friend, she is my sister. I have family that's blood, and blood that's not family. Sesha may not be my blood, but she is my family. Never once has she ever made me feel like I annoyed her with my constant back and forth with men. She always listens to me vent, say I am done, and supports me the next day when I take them back. She has listened to me, for hours on end, complain and cry but is right by my side supporting me when I say we're giving it another try, and truly roots for my happiness. She is truly my solider and I love her dearly for that. No one in this world (besides my family)  knows me as much as she does, knows all my ugly, and still loves me unconditionally the way she does. Today I am grateful for her beyond words.

Today I woke up and am choosing to focus on the positive. I am going to focus on all the good I have in my life, and stop focusing on the things I can't control. I cannot control the way other's choose to love. I cannot control if people walk in and out of my life. I cannot control many things but I can control how I allow it to affect my sanity, and the way I choose to allow it affect my happiness. I have been searching for peace instead of creating my own. I have been searching for love instead of loving myself enough to walk away from people who continue to just take and take from me. I am an amazing person, with so much love to give and they are the one's who will be missing out. When they wake up one day and realize they let go of someone who truly loved them, when they realize they've settled for ordinary when they could of had extraordinary, I will be the one with the last laugh. I need to stop killing myself to be what other's want and just be content being me. I will find someone who loves me just the way I am and will appreciate what other's have taken for granted. One day I will find a man who not only talks the good talk but can back it up. A man who doesn't just say "I love you" but can prove it with his actions. Anyone can say "I love you" but not many can prove they love you. One day I will find a man who loves the way I do, heart, body, mind, and soul. Someone who doesn't play mind games, and someone who doesn't just think about their own feelings. I am refusing to allow broken men to damage my beautiful spirit because I am beautiful, inside and out. I refuse to allow myself to believe their actions and craziness had anything to do with me for another second. Your craziness is a reflection of your heart and soul, not mine. Your cruel words and unexplained actions reflect badly on your soul and sanity, not mine. You were crazy before me, and will be crazy long after me too. I refuse to allow another day to pass living in the past, not appreciating the present, and allowing my past to interfere with my future.

Today I am choosing to save myself.
I am being my own hero.

-Jamie Lynn

Stuck

I feel like I am stuck. Everything around me is okay, I have beautiful, healthy, happy children, a job that pays the bills, and everything I need. I still feel stuck. I am stuck in this dark space in my head and no matter how I try to shake it, it still lingers. Maybe it's depression? Maybe it's the Bi Polar? Whatever it is, it is draining the life out of me. I hate that I feel this way when there's so many people in this world facing worse, while having less. I feel selfish and hate that I don't feel more grateful for the life that was given to me. I beat myself up because there's really no excuse to feel the way I do. I can't explain the way I feel except stuck. I can't remember the last time I was TRULY happy. Happy without all the worries, and stress. Happy just for the sake of being happy. I don't feel like myself. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize the person staring back at me most days. I have no addictions, I'm not an alcoholic, there's no chemical that's changing my behavior, but yet, stuck. I keep waiting for it to pass, waiting to feel normal again, but yet, stuck. Maybe I've stretched myself to thin, gave too much of myself away and left nothing for myself? Maybe life has just taken it's toll on me? Maybe I'm having a mental breakdown? Who really knows. All that I do know, it's that I miss me. I miss the fierce, happy, bubbly, outgoing person I used to be. These days I go to work then go home. That's it. That's my life. I have no desire to do much, sleep is more appealing than anything. Maybe I'm just lonely? Again, who knows.  Most days I don't feel anything at all. I walk around feeling completely out of it, until I have an anxiety attack over something dumb. I have so much to be grateful for, why can't I get out of this funk I'm in? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I am going to name 5 things I am grateful for now:

1. The health and safety of my loved ones. I couldn't live without my parents, siblings, and my children. They are my heart and soul.

2. My job. I am grateful to be able to pay my bills and support my children.

3. I am grateful for my amazing friends. My friend carry me when I am too weak to crawl, and never let me drown.

4. Music. I constantly have headphones in trying to tune out the rest of the world.

5. Comfort food. When all else fails, bury your feelings deep down and pile cake on top of it. :)

Heartbroken

When did life get so complicated? Remember being a kid and the most intense thing you had to do everyday was clean your room and make your bed? The rest of the day was spent climbing trees, riding your bike, and playing with your friends? It's funny how things change when you get older and get those adult responsibilities.

I remember how my biggest decision in life as a  kid was who I was going to play with that day, and what the hell we were going to do. Were we going to play at my house, their house, outside? Were we going to ride our bikes, play with our barbies, or watch TV? As children, we really truly had no idea what adulthood has in store for us....

Now, my daily life consists of getting 5 kids and myself ready everyday, daycare, work, back home, homework, chores, dinner, baths, etc etc etc all the while trying to balance a relationship, their daily responsibilities and everything else life throws our way everyday. Can we go back to climbing trees, please? I constantly wonder why in the world I was in such a hurry to grow up?

I would take cleaning my room, and falling off my bike and scraping my knee over broken hearts, paying bills, and dealing with adult responsibilities.  Some days I just want to build a fort made out of blankets, climb underneath it and color, ignoring the rest of the world and all that includes.

Something has got to give. Life has to give a little and get a little easier because I am exhausted, beyond exhausted. Being an adult is hard stuff!! What I would give to just ride my bike, climb a tree, or play with my barbies again.  Back in the days when fairy tales still existed, hearts weren't broken, and we didn't know all the ugly that was in this world. When we weren't damaged and scared, but hopeful and looked at the world as a beautiful place.

Sincerely,
Deeply Heartbroken.

Remember when I proposed to you?

Remember when I proposed to you? Remember how excited you were?

Pumpkin Patch 2014!!

Every year my parents, siblings, myself & my children head over to the pumpkin patch to pick out pumpkins. Each year what we do with them after changes though. We have painted them, put stickers on them, got Mr. Potato Head like arms, legs, and face pieces etc. It's always been a family tradition. and my children and I looooooove traditions!! :)

Memories

A place, a smell, a song, a favorite TV show, many things can trigger a memory.

Time never stops, it doesn't stop to help you grieve, to help you move forward. You have to heal all while still living and dealing with daily life things. Time doesn't care if you're depressed, it doesn't care if you need more time.  Time doesn't care. There is no pause button, no do-over button. You get one chance in life to do the best you can, with what you have.

What I've learned in life is you are never guaranteed a tomorrow. A conversation, a text, a hug, a kiss, a smile, may be your last with someone, and you may never know, until it's too late. So, hug a little tighter, kiss a little longer, talk a lot more, and cherish every second. Never take a single person, second, or memory for granted.

On another topic, It's crazy to think that I've been a mother for 10 years. It feels like it's gone so fast but also like I blinked and 10 years flew by. I find myself wishing I would of taken more pictures. spent more time, and worried more about the small, important things, rather than the things that didn't and still don't matter.

I remember feeling like I couldn't possibly live without certain people, well look at me living and shit. Lol I've learned that hard moments are not forever, nor are the good ones. Life is a roller-coaster and you take the bad with the good. It's part of being alive. I just remind myself to take deep breaths and wait it out because eventually the roller-coaster will take me back up.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Memories can trigger pain but at least we have those memories, even the bad ones have taught us something and have helped mold us into the people we are today. Wouldn't it be crazy if we could pop out movies in like a CD and watch all of them over again? What an adventure that would be!

I really have no real reason for writing this. I am not sad or melancholy, just a random thought that I was thinking about. :) But just for the sake of this blog, do me a favor and hug your loved ones tonight just a little longer. :)

What is happiness?

In life, we are constantly searching for happiness. Whether it be from love, more money, a better job, or as simple as finding a new show to watch on Netflix.

The older I get the more I am finding happiness within myself, because I've learned that breakups happen, more money just means more bills, jobs come and go, and shows come to an end.

 I once read a quote that said "Find happiness for no reason, because if you're happy for a reason, that reason can be taken away."

It makes a lot of sense too. Why find happiness in someone else, or from what they bring, how they make you feel? It can be taken away with no warning & then you are left scrambling, trying to figure out how to function without the happiness that person brought you. 

So, what is happiness? For me, happiness is just being at peace with my life. I realize things won't stay the same and people move on. I understand that sometimes life will be challenge, but staying happy, regardless of the change around me, is my true definition of happiness. 

I can't control the world, how people act, how they choose to love, how my job is going, if my kids all behave all the time, but I can choose how I let it affect my life, and my attitude. I choose to be happy, to smile, to say silly things like "Negativity out, positive in." I choose to give and get hugs what I am feeling stressed out, or feeling down. I choose to be positive and now allow the world, and things I cannot control destroy my happiness. 

I choose me.

I choose happiness. 

Learning to love again...

Just tell me what to do

I'll fall right into you

Going under cast a spell just say the word

I feel your love....

Boom Clap...The sound of my heart

The beat goes on and on and on and on and

Boom Clap...You make me feel good

Come on to me come on to me now.

Smiling :)

I smile because I am in my own place, with all my children.

I smile because I have a wonderful job, making more money then I need. 

I smile because my children are happy & healthy. 

I smile because I have a great relationship with 3 children, that aren't biologically mine.

I smile because I am crossing things off my to-do list (finally)

I smile because I have the most awesome, loving, supportive family. 

I smile because I have the most loyal, ride-or-die. goofy friends.

I smile because I have found peace.

I smile because I have found happiness.

I smile because I have earned the right too.

I have done the work.

I have been broken down to my very core, 

but I am stronger then ever, and happy. 

I make no apologies for smiling, I have cried enough.

I have earned the right to be happy, and smile. 

I love you enough to let go...

No more tears, no more fighting. No more angry words spoken, no more heart's broken. I love you enough, I love ME enough to let go. Some people are meant to be in our heart's, but not necessarily in our lives.

They always leave.....

Why am I attracted to unavailable men? The first time it was drugs, the next was his friends, the next drugs, and the next.....well, let's just say I have a pattern of being attracted to unavailable men.

My parents have been married for almost 30 years. I didn't come from a broken home, I wasn't brought up around drugs/alcohol. My parents never fought (that I can remember at least) and my childhood was damn near perfect.

This is going to be a short blog. I just don't understand why I'm attracted to unavailable men when I was taught, shown, and raised around happy, stable, normal functioning relationships. 

Life lessons.

I always swear I am going to keep up with my blog, and then I completely forget - the joys of being a scattered brain mommy of 5! :)

This year has brought me many ups and many downs. I have been pushed to my limit and broken down to my core. I have also been so beyond happy, I never thought I'd come back down from the happiness high.
I've learned the hard way that  no matter how old you get, you never stop learning life lessons. I was wrong when I assumed that because I am now an adult, all the drama in my life was behind me....

I've learned to stand on my own, and not need anyone in my life to bring me happiness. I found my own happiness within myself. I've learned that some people are meant to be in my heart - not necessarily in my life. I've learned that friendships aren't always two-sided, and no amount of time means my friendships will stay intact. I've learned it's okay to accept help, okay to tell people when I've hit my limit, and just what my limit is. I've found myself living without people I never thought I could live without, and living with people in my life, that in a million years I never thought would be so important to me. I've learned how to be selfish and not allow people to just take and take from me. I've learned that time heals old wounds, but I will never forget what caused them. I've learned that time doesn't stop, people change, and time moves people in different directions, and I've learned to be okay with that....

I've never been comfortable with change. My parents are selling my second childhood home, the only home my children remember, and it's been hard for me to come to terms with it. It's hard to except that my parents keep going older, and in a few years will retire and move a few hours away from me. I rely on my family's love and support for most everything I do. My circle of people around me is what has always kept me from falling down, they always pull me back up. It's an interesting journey learning to stand more on my own, and be my own strength. I will always need my family's love and support, but I am learning to be strong on my own too.

It's hard to say goodbye to a friend who once was like a sister to me. It's even harder to find out that she meant waaaay more to me, then I ever did to her. As much as it pains me, I have chosen to forgive her so I can move on with my life. I will never forget how cold she was, the terrible things she said, or even the look in her eyes that last time I spoke to her. I kept looking in her eyes searching for the girl I grew to call my sister. I saw nothing, I lost her a long time ago and it took all these events to make me realize this. I will never forget the awesome memories we had growing up, she made my childhood complete, as I did hers. It's so weird to me because I know she's out there living her life, but it feels like she died. My once fun, devoted, amazing best friend is now replaced with this cold, mean shell of a person. I truly hope she gets the help she so desperately needs to become a whole person again, let go of her anger and learn to love people the way they deserve. Goodbye my friend, I will treasure our memories, but never think of you again.

The hardest lesson I've learned this year (so far, we still have 4 months to go) has been learning to let go and let things naturally happen. I am some what of a control freak and like to be one step ahead of life. I am learning that it's okay to just worry about things when they happen. I am learning to let go of things that have been weighing me down and preventing me from moving further in my life. I've learned how to say "no" and "enough". Those have been big ones for me.

In learning to stand on my own, I have accomplished a lot of things that have been put on the back burner. I am one subject away from graduating!! I took the test and was EIGHT points away from passing, Ugh! That sucked but I refuse to give up. I have so many hopes and dreams and for the first time, I can actually see them and believe I can achieve them. I have always relied on others for happiness and it's nice to create my own happiness. I truly believe that all these steps I am taking is leading me in a new, better direction. I refuse to be stuck anymore, refuse to settle in life. I am shooting for the moon and stars these days! :)

I am so happy, and I haven't been able to say that in a long time. I am in the drivers seat in my own life and enjoying the ride!

-Jamie Lynn <3

Letting go...

I've decided it's time to let go...

I've been carrying around so much anger that isn't mine to burden. I've been putting more weight on my shoulder then was mine to carry.

I can't control the way people choose to live their lives. I can't control the way their minds work, what's a priority to them. I can't control if they choose to see their children or take care of their responsibilities.

All I can do is be the best mother I can be and let be what will be.

I can't control how others view loyalty or friendship. I can't control how a friend may act, or what they may say. I can't make them remember the bond we once shared and how we were basically sister's for 17 years.

All I can do is be the best friend I can possible be, regardless if the other person is deserving of it or not.

I don't like the fact that my children have to feel the pain they feel....I wish I could take it off of their hearts. I don't want them to grow up angry & bitter so I'm letting go of my resentment towards their father.... Only life lessons and time will be able to help them come to terms and move on themselves.

It is not mine to carry around the burden of another person's actions and decision making with them.

Again, all I can do is be the best mother possible and love them unconditionally. 

I'm letting go....of all the pain, the resentment,  the disappointment,  the anger, frustration, sadness, the disgust,  the pity, the shame, the blame and I'm opting to be happy. 

There's so much in this world we are unable to control, but we can control how we allow it to affect our lives and how we treat others. I refuse to spend another second of my life being mad at another person and their actions. They are the ones missing out, and I refuse to miss out on all the wonderful things in life because I'm stuck being mad. I am tired of being stuck.

I never thought in a million years my ex husband wouldn't be involved in my children's life. Never ever would I have guessed a 17 year friendship would go up in flames as if it never meant anything at all....there's so many things I never thought would happen, that did.

If I've learned anything it's that life is cruel, and people change but it doesn't mean I have to let it change me. I believe in love. I believe in friendship. I believe friendship is more then what you have in common, it's CHOOSING to keep a special place in your heart for that person. I believe it's a conscious decision to not let life get in the way, to say regardless of time spent together, things in common, or anything else....you  still mean something to me. Friendship is a two way street, both sides need to make the decision to never give up.

I have been walking around mad for so long I don't know how I did anything else. I thought being mad gave me the power and made me feel better to go off on rants but letting go off it all I've learned...peace. I've never felt more free, more peaceful, more happy.

I believe people have good intentions in the beginning. They see this beautiful little baby girl, want to give her the world....but then life happens and decisions were made that caused people to get lost. People can have the best intentions but are unable to fight their inner demons off long enough to fulfil the promises once made. Promises to always be there and never leave their child fatherless like they were.....promises to always be there, no matter what. Promises....more promises....all broken. So many tears....so much sadness...

Things like these, that I have taken so personal, so to heart, are not my burden. I am a great mother, a great friend, a great person.  I can't control other people's actions but I can control how I allow it to affect mine and my children's life.

So, WE are letting go... and CHOOSING to be happy in the face of sadness. Choosing to be happy and believe in love, and friendship. Choosing to have faith and dream big. Choosing to let go and say, it is what it is and there's nothing we can do about it.

Choosing to say, we love you and are truly sorry you are lost. We hope one day you find your way back but regardless we are going to be happy. It takes more energy to be unhappy and it feels 100 times better to chose to be happy, and actually be happy.

We are letting go....and so should you. Choose to let it all go and be happy. Life is too short, so smile,  love those that treat you right, wish the ones that don't well, and move on.

(:

Numb

Tonight I am feeling all sorts of emotions, so many in fact that I can't name just one that is stronger then another. I am feeling so many different emotions that I feel numb.
Life is a hard pill to swallow. I realized tonight that no matter how much I do in life, for some people it'll never be enough. They'll just keep taking and taking until they suck my very soul out of my body.
I'm doing some really amazing things right now.  I'm checking things off my to-do list that have been neglected for too long. I want nothing more then to move forward, let go of the anger and sadness but life keeps throwing it back in my face.
I came home from school and my 8 year old son asked me "Mom, why does all the kids at my school have a daddy but I don't? " and I haven't been able to shake it off since.
It truly sucks to know that no matter what I accomplish that I will never be able to fill the void of their absence father. Their father that lives 20-30 minutes away and just chooses to not see them, chooses to be a deadbeat.  It makes me sad.

Like a kid who wishes for a puppy on Christmas, all my oldest two want is for their father to give a damn.

My heart hurts for them....
My eyes cry for them....

I am numb.

Friendship

Throughout our lives we meet people that we like, we meet people we love, and if you're really lucky, you meet some who will stick by your side forever.

I have made many great friends over the years, I've said that a few times in previous blogs, but I've only have a tiny handful of friends that I consider my best friends.

Today is one of those days where I look back at my childhood, all those memories, all the times we were there for each other, all the time we cried on each other's shoulders and I just don't understand what's happening.

How can the friend I called crying about being bullied in school, the one who tried so hard to transfer schools just to be with me, and protect me, being acting this way?

The person that when the rest of our friends were too busy, or too cool, we always had each other. The friend that stood next to me, got her faced pushed into lockers, or the grass by the same mean boy.....how could this person now be MY bully?!?!

How could this person, who I considered my sister say the mean, nasty, just awful things she said to me? I just don't understand. I don't understand how all that love we had, all that trust, friendship, sisterhood just turns off and I'm left with this person who looks like my friend, but doesn't act like her.

She use to be fun, and carefree. Now she's uptight and controlling. She use to smile & be happy, but now she's constantly complaining and just miserable. I miss my friend.

How could this person look at me dead in the eyes and say she no longer cares to continue our friendship, for no good reason I add again, like it was easy.

It hurts so much because deep down, I know her heart. I know this isn't really her, I know she doesn't really "hate me" even though she repeatedly said it tonight. I keep searching in her eyes for any sign of my friend, any sign that she's still in there but her eyes are dead.

We've been friends for years. Not once have we ever fought, not once have we ever even got irritated with each other. None of what's happening makes sense, nothing is adding up.

I know things are stressful,  and I know it's all just adding up but I wonder.....is this just who my friend is? Have I not really known my friend all these years?

I feel like I'm going through a death, a breakup and everything else sad and depressing all at the same time. I'm overwhelmed with emotions. So hurt that the person I considered my sister could hurt me in the way she has, angry that she's not being a better friend, and just beyond sad. I miss my friend.

I've gone through things with friends before, but this one cuts differently,  hurts worse. This is someone I've known pretty much my entire life, someone who was with me through my childhood, my teenage stsge, and into adulthood.  I've considered her my sister, my family.

I want to scream "Just stop, don't make this worse!!" Yes, our lives have led us in directions where we don't have a lot in common anymore, and we aren't as close as we use to be.....but is friendship & love measured by the amount of time you spend, and the things you have in common?

I have a best friend that I never see, maybe one every few years, and we have very little in common but that doesn't mean I love her any less, it doesn't mean my loyalty to her dies with distance & time. She is my best friend because she's special to me, and because I choose to keep our bond, regardless of things in common & the amount of time we spend together.

I think it comes down to choosing to keep that bond. Choosing to think of that person in that way, and put them on that pedestal, to say "No matter where our lives take us, you still mean something to me."

This breaks my heart in a way it's never been broken. I am confused and just beyond hurt. I don't know what to think, how to feel, or what my next move is. I don't know if I should keep trying, hope she comes around, or give up and say "It's your loss."

After all the hurtful things she said, I don't know if writing this blog, these thoughts and feelings down is even worth it. The things she said about me, about my children.....those are things you can forget, even if I was able to forgive them.

I don't know. I guess the point is to say I just don't know. I don't know anything.

The reason I breathe…..

I needed to take a minute and block out all the bullshit that's going on around me and remember things I am grateful for. Out of all of the things I am grateful for...... I am most grateful for the beautiful babies I was given to bring into this world and raise. 

I know I do a lot of rambling about their fathers so I wanted to take a second and write about them, individually.

 

Alexia Kelly - My 1st born - Alexia is in third grade. She is truly my best friend. I love to do anything with this girl.  We get our hair done, our nails done etc. I always make sure I take special days out just for her because truly without her,  I don't know how I'd be able to do what I do. I don't get the kind of support I and the kids deserve from the fathers all the time and Alexia steps in and fills in the gaps.  I have to constantly tell her to stop doing so much and just be a kid actually. Her favorite person in this world is her baby brother Aydn. The two of them have the strongest, most special bond. 

Alexia is very girly. She loves sparkly shoes, hair stuff & makeup  she is constantly trying to grow up and act older than her age and I am always trying to find the perfect balance for her.  One of our favorite things to do is hold hands while I drive. She sits in the front and I hold her hand.  There's just something super special about it.   <3

Austen Jay -  My 1st born son- Austen is in 2nd grade. He is truly my best friend too. Out of all of my kids he is the one I fight with the most and I think it's  because we are a lot alike. He is very stubborn and not afraid to speak his mind.  His emotions get the best of him sometimes too. He is definitely my most emotional child.  He also has one of the biggest hearts too. He gets mad when his sisters get in trouble and he yells at me if I upset them. It's super cute. 

My favorite thing to do with him is play video games. I look forward to it every night after he gets home from school.  We play Call of Duty (Zombies) and tear that game up!! Lol My son and I have a very special bond. From the second I he was born he's very in tuned with my emotions. When I am upset he just knows. When he was younger he'd stick close by me until I felt better, nowadays he comes and hugs me until it's all better.  <3

Alyssa Mae - My 3rd born -  Alyssa is in 1st grade & by far the sweetest girl ever born. She is my little peace keeper.  Even if one of her siblings get in trouble because they were being mean to her, she'll always come to me and ask if they can get out of timeout. Lol She's super cute. Alyssa is my in between child, she's not a tomboy but she's not a girly girl either. She can looks beautiful in a skirt and rock a hat backwards.  She can pretty much pull off any look and look beautiful. 

My favorite things to do with Alyssa is do her hair and nails. She has the most beautiful long hair. I love to curl up next to this girl and laugh our butts off watching movies, or just snuggle and fall asleep. Alyssa has tons of friends at school too. She's the sweet one that befriends everyone. If someone is left out Alyssa will be the first one to make them feel included. She has just as many guy friends and she does girl friends.  She's just friends with everyone. <3

Aspen Jean Marie - My 4th born - Aspen is almost in Kindergarten. She is spunky and has tons of personality. Aspen is very sensitive too.  Her little feelings get hurt so easily and hers tears fall just as fast but she's a tough girl. Aspen and I spend more time together than the rest of my kids because she doesn't have school and her favorite thing to do is snuggle up to mommy during the day and watch movies or snuggle at night and go to sleep next to mommy.  This child will probably still be sleeping in my bed when she's 30 and I am totally okay with that. :) Aspen is just like me, she has no filter and says it how she sees it. I love this about her. You never have to wonder how she's feeling or what she's thinking because she always let you know. Out of all of my kids Aspen is the biggest mommy/daddy girl. When she was a baby she didn't like anyone but her dad and I and even now she has a complete meltdown if I run an errand without her. She's my little buddy. <3

Aydn Scott - My 5th & last -  Aydn is a little character for sure. He is almost 2 and I can describe him in two words: Ball & Alexia. This kid ALWAYS has a ball in his hand. He has an amazing arm on him for being so little too! I always joke he's going to play pro ball and buy his mommy a mansion. :) He is very independent and has an invisible bubble that surrounds him. If you invade his bubble or take away his independence you will have the wrath of Aydn on your hands. He has never really acted like a baby. Since the day he was born he's been on the go, and very advanced for his age, but there's no surprise there, he is the youngest of 5 kids after all. The only other thing Aydn really cares about is his big sister Alexia. She is his entire world. He cries when she goes to school and will wait by the window saying "Lexi" every few seconds when he knows she's getting out of school. <3

I am truly one of the luckiest mothers alive! <3

Change

Change is hard. I've never been good at change, even if it's for the better, even if it makes my life easier, I've never handled change very well.

I know life is always changing, people are always evolving but I wish things could stay the same. I know you're never really standing still, you're either moving forwards or backwards, and I have no interest in moving backwards anymore. So change it is.

Moving back to Salt Lake has been wonderful. I finally have full time help with my 5 kids. I feel like I have less stress which in return makes me a better mother because I'm not stressed out all the time. I think my kids are happier. They have more room, friends to play with and because I'm happier it makes them happier.

I'm excited because I get to go back to school! I get to finally check some things off my to do list that I haven't been able to do before. �� I'm so grateful and excited to have been given this opportunity and chance that I have.

Given all of these amazing things that are happening in my life, and all this burden that has been lifted I find it puzzling that I keep getting really sad. Change is hard though and it's going to take some time to adjust.

I've adjusted well and pretty fast to living where I am. I've known Nicole since we were in 2-3 grade and have been best friends ever since. It feels natural staying here. It feels like home.

I find myself missing some friends in Provo. I miss hanging out with my wifey everyday. I miss the lady at Walgreens. Lol I know I just moved from one county to the next but it feels like I'm starting over, which in a way I guess I am.

Change has always been hard for me because the fear of the unknown is overwhelming to me. Even though so many of my burdens are lifted currently I have new ones. I have to finish school, find daycare & eventually a job.

Daycare for my children is heavy for me. I don't trust many people with me kids, let alone leave them with many people. Finding the perfect sitter is very important to me. I can't do my job while I'm away if I'm worried about them.

I wish I could count on the father's to help out more and be more involved but I am not in denial anymore about the truth. It's a heavy burden knowing these 5 children's lives rest solely on me. Every decision I make effects them and that's a lot to carry around. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to carry it all.

I know this change needs to happen. I know I can no longer live the way I have been. Being alive but not really living, breathing but being numb to the world because it's how I've coped with so much heartbreak and disappointment over the years.

Although some judge me and put blame on me when it due elsewhere I am making this change because I deserve happiness. I have been a great mother for 10 years and it's time I think about Jamie a little too. Being a mother isn't my only identity, even though it's my most meaningful one.

No one will ever know the struggles I've been through. The tears I've cried and the amount of times I've been broken down to my very core but built myself back up and stayed strong. No one will ever know what I've dealt with,  what I've seen, what I've felt.

I've been told that I, over the years have made my fair mistakes with my kids and have hurt them. To this accusation I say: You are right. I have fought really hard to keep my family together and in doing so they were many fights that got out of control, many words that were spoken out of love, & out of fear of losing my family. I have fought so damn hard. I fought until I gave every part of me, heart, body,  mind and soul leaving only what I had left to give to my kids. I gave everything.

I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be but if I have hurt my kids it was trying to keep my family together. It's not an excuse and it doesn't make it right but that's not the same as making broken promises to them. It's not the same as choosing my friends or drugs over them. There are many ways my kids have been hurt over the years by people but if I hurt them. It was for love.

I have been so focused on being mommy. On us. On our family. On saving my family that I haven't had enough time or energy to focus on Jamie. Luckily with this new change I get to focus on me. I get to finally tackle my dental work that I haven't been able to previously because all my money went to supporting and providing for my family. I finally get to go back to school that I wasn't able to do before because I was working so much and never seeing my kids there was just no way I could of fit school it and had enough time or money to do so.

Change is hard and it's been an adjustment. Especially with so much drama going on around me but I know it's for the best. I know that even in moments like now when I'm feeling a little lost, and a little sad that I deserve happiness and that I have done as much as I could. I fought as hard as I possible could.

Change is hard. Letting go is even harder. ❤

Moving day

Recently I have made the decision to move back to Salt Lake. I have been on cloud nine for the last few weeks. I am really excited to be closer to my family & friends.

I have lived in my current location for almost three years. In these last three years I have made a lot of memories & new friends along the way. Living in Provo has been mostly good, a lot of growing experiences.

As moving day fastly approaches I have been preparing my house & children for the move. Today I packed up the kitchen and the sight of my empty kitchen brought sadness & panic over my body.
I've never been good with change.

I'm excited about moving but I will miss some people in Utah County. This house may be tiny and my family may have outgrown it but.....it's our home.

I find myself being sad at little things. Like when I went shopping at the Walgreens by my house I got sad because I've gotten to know the cashier there.....and my kids Dr.....and my kids school. My kids have gone to the same school for three years.

I didn't expect all these emotions to creep up on me. It's harder to move then I thought it would be. I've made a little life for me & mine and it'll be hard to leave all these people and memories we've made along the way.

I believe you're never standing still....either you're going forward or going backwards. It's time to keep moving forward.  So here's to the next big, great thing that's coming into our lives. (:

Being a mother

Being a parent, a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had. It's beautiful in ways that words can't explain, and yes, there are many moments it feels terrible too. It's a 24'7 job. I don't get weekends off, I'm not promised a full night of sleep & some days I don't know how we all make it through....

I had 5 children really fast & close together so sometimes it feels like I have Quints. Just when one kid is done going through a certain stage, the next one starts up. At one point I had THREE kids in diapers. My oldest will be 10 in August, 10! I've made it through 10 years of sleepless night, screaming fits & endless bickering between them. Lol I've always had 10 years of hugs, 10 years of smile & 10 years of "I love you's".

Being a mother I have spent a lot of my time over-thinking every moment. Are they too young for this? Are they ready to experience that? When do I pull them in close? When do I let them gain independence and let them go a little? It's a constant balance. I don't want to hold them too closely to where they rebel but I don't want to let go too early & not have given them enough time to grow.

I have spent many nights crying into a pillow over frustration. Frustration that I am not enough. Frustration that I don't get help from their fathers in the way I'd like, the way I had growing up. Frustration that I am only one person and there's not enough time in a day to give them what I feel they deserve. Frustration over the "Mommy she did this....." and "Mommy ___ did that!" Frustration over balancing work and home. Frustration over being a mother and still finding time to just be Jamie.

There are moments where I truly ask myself if I'm enough for them. I questions if I'm raising them with enough love and attention that they deserve.........

...............They look like 5 very happy, loved kids! <3

How blessed could one person be?

Today, I turned 27, well it's 12:30 at night so technically yesterday but anyways I want to write a blog about my friends....

I have a handful of friends that I have known for practically my whole life.  We went through elementary together, teen years and now our adulthood. It's crazy to think I have known them for 20 years. 

I have had many good friends over the years.  Friends that I considered my best friends even but there's only a select few that have been by my side throughout my entire life. 

I've cut friends out of my life over the years because our lives were heading in different directions.  Either they were into the party scene heavily,  became mothers but there kids didn't come first,  or drama followed them. Etc the list could go on forever. 

My mother has always said "Birds of a feather flock together" I never really understood what she was trying to tell me until recently....

When i became a mother i had more in common with my friends who were mothers as well.  I still had friends that didn't have children but it was harder to keep in touch. When I got in a relationship it was fun to hang out with my couple friends verses my single friends,  doing single things. 

I look back at some of the people that have come into my life and after some time eventually we parted ways and I'm so grateful for these handful of friends that no matter the stages we were in our lives we've remained close.  We remained family.