I wrote this, one year ago today....
November 6, 2016
Love fiercely
July 20, 2016
Just a few words jotted down on paper...
Maybe life isn't a fairytale, but maybe it isn't complete shit either. There's heartache and pain but there's also love and happiness. Maybe life is what you make it. Maybe you just have to take the good with the bad and count your blessings where you can.
Cherish loves ones while you have them and hold tight onto the memories when you don't anymore. Maybe the saying is true, you have to learn to dance in the rain. It's the law of averages, eventually the tides will change. Things can't stay down forever. Take the lessons, learn and grow from them, it'll make you appreciate the good even more. Life is what you make it.
Like always, I leave with a sentiment about love. Never give up on the one you love. When times get hard, it shows you if your love is strong enough to withstand and get through it. If you have someone who doesn't bolt when it gets hard and loves you unconditionally, hold onto that person with all you have because people like that are rare, far and in between.
-End thought
Cherish loves ones while you have them and hold tight onto the memories when you don't anymore. Maybe the saying is true, you have to learn to dance in the rain. It's the law of averages, eventually the tides will change. Things can't stay down forever. Take the lessons, learn and grow from them, it'll make you appreciate the good even more. Life is what you make it.
Like always, I leave with a sentiment about love. Never give up on the one you love. When times get hard, it shows you if your love is strong enough to withstand and get through it. If you have someone who doesn't bolt when it gets hard and loves you unconditionally, hold onto that person with all you have because people like that are rare, far and in between.
-End thought
June 29, 2016
Pain
Pain changes you. It just does.
As a child, you believe the world is a beautiful, peaceful place. As a young girl, you dream about your wedding, you plan every tiny detail. You dream about having a baby and starting a family. You fall in love for the first time and everything and all the firsts are magical. You finally get married, start a family, and the dream you had as a young child, finally comes true. As little girls, we watch fairy tales, we get to the "Happily ever after" and the movie ends. No one tells you what happens after. No one tells you how hard parenting is. No one tells you relationships take work and no matter how hard you try, sometimes they fall apart and don't work. No one tells you your husband could chose drugs over his kids and wife. Pain changes people. The first cut, cuts the deepest. You move on, try again, maybe have more kids, maybe you don't. but you move on.
As little girls, we have this idea of what love is, what marriage means. No one tells you the ugly side. No one tells you about infidelity, domestic violence etc. No one warns you as a young mother, that you could lose your child. Pain changes you. Losing a step-daughter has changed my life completely. I am not the same person I was before she died, not one tiny bit. Losing a child, and watching your husband lose a child, is the most devastating and confusing experience ever. It's been almost 8 months and a lot of it is a blur to me now. You try to remember happy memories, you try to process the emotions, make sense of death. But the pain changes you. Once someone hurts you, you love with a lot more caution. You lose a child, you view the world a lot differently. You appreciate the time you have, the people you have, but you realize people die. There is sadness and even evil in this world. You realize love isn't one thing and just because you love someone a certain way, doesn't mean they'll love the same in return.
Pain changes people.
Pain has changed me. As a child, being molested by my Uncle- changed me. I believe it set the tone for the rest of my life. I think it really messed with my head, the way I viewed myself and even love. No child should ever experience that kind of abuse. My ex's who chose drugs over me and our children, that forever changed me. You can forgive but there's really no way to ever forget. There's no way to forget watching your oldest daughter cry for years for her father. There's no way to ever forget being so poor and barely being able to feed your kids or pay your bills because their father took off with everything you owned. Pain changes you. It just does.
I've been through a lot in my life. I know there's many other people who've had it way worse but I get to own my pain. I get to own my feelings and emotions. I get to say that pain has changed me. Losing my step daughter changed me. Watching my husband and his pain and grief, has changed me. The fights and trials he and I have been through, have changed me. Pain changes you,
I have always been a light. I search for love, happiness and family. I forgive quickly because I believe in the good in people. I've been in a lot of pain throughout my life. Some no one wants to acknowledge or take accountability for. I am told to "Get over it" or "Stop acting like a victim." I own my pain. I went through it. I process everything the way I need to. Pain changes you but I refuse to allow it to harden me or change my heart. I am a little more cautious with love but at the same time, I cherish the people in my life more now.
-Jamie Hillman
As a child, you believe the world is a beautiful, peaceful place. As a young girl, you dream about your wedding, you plan every tiny detail. You dream about having a baby and starting a family. You fall in love for the first time and everything and all the firsts are magical. You finally get married, start a family, and the dream you had as a young child, finally comes true. As little girls, we watch fairy tales, we get to the "Happily ever after" and the movie ends. No one tells you what happens after. No one tells you how hard parenting is. No one tells you relationships take work and no matter how hard you try, sometimes they fall apart and don't work. No one tells you your husband could chose drugs over his kids and wife. Pain changes people. The first cut, cuts the deepest. You move on, try again, maybe have more kids, maybe you don't. but you move on.
As little girls, we have this idea of what love is, what marriage means. No one tells you the ugly side. No one tells you about infidelity, domestic violence etc. No one warns you as a young mother, that you could lose your child. Pain changes you. Losing a step-daughter has changed my life completely. I am not the same person I was before she died, not one tiny bit. Losing a child, and watching your husband lose a child, is the most devastating and confusing experience ever. It's been almost 8 months and a lot of it is a blur to me now. You try to remember happy memories, you try to process the emotions, make sense of death. But the pain changes you. Once someone hurts you, you love with a lot more caution. You lose a child, you view the world a lot differently. You appreciate the time you have, the people you have, but you realize people die. There is sadness and even evil in this world. You realize love isn't one thing and just because you love someone a certain way, doesn't mean they'll love the same in return.
Pain changes people.
Pain has changed me. As a child, being molested by my Uncle- changed me. I believe it set the tone for the rest of my life. I think it really messed with my head, the way I viewed myself and even love. No child should ever experience that kind of abuse. My ex's who chose drugs over me and our children, that forever changed me. You can forgive but there's really no way to ever forget. There's no way to forget watching your oldest daughter cry for years for her father. There's no way to ever forget being so poor and barely being able to feed your kids or pay your bills because their father took off with everything you owned. Pain changes you. It just does.
I've been through a lot in my life. I know there's many other people who've had it way worse but I get to own my pain. I get to own my feelings and emotions. I get to say that pain has changed me. Losing my step daughter changed me. Watching my husband and his pain and grief, has changed me. The fights and trials he and I have been through, have changed me. Pain changes you,
I have always been a light. I search for love, happiness and family. I forgive quickly because I believe in the good in people. I've been in a lot of pain throughout my life. Some no one wants to acknowledge or take accountability for. I am told to "Get over it" or "Stop acting like a victim." I own my pain. I went through it. I process everything the way I need to. Pain changes you but I refuse to allow it to harden me or change my heart. I am a little more cautious with love but at the same time, I cherish the people in my life more now.
-Jamie Hillman
March 28, 2016
Grief, and getting through it together.
In the last 5 months, I have kept pretty quiet. I haven't posted much on here, or any other social media about the loss of my step-daughter, Victoria, because I felt it was my job to support my husband. I've been doing some thinking and I think it's also important to express what it's like to support someone who is grieving and in doing so, hopefully I can help someone else going through a loss...
Death changes people. It's changes marriages. It changes everything. The second I found out she had passed, I knew I was in for the fight of my life. In that second, I fell to my knees, screamed, hyperventilated and bawled my eyes out. I called my mother panicking not sure what to do. She told me it was my job to be strong, that my kids and Chris were depending on me to be the strong one. I decided at that moment I was going to give it all I had. It has been so hard at times. This beautiful girl, who I was just really getting to know, just gone. No warning. I had sent her a text about a half an hour before, and that was it. I had never really lost anyone but Grandparents as a child so my first reaction was denial. I called her, I pleaded with God, or whomever was listening for her to pick up. I sent her a message saying "Are you okay?" There was never a reply. I didn't believe it, things like this don't happen to us. It couldn't happen to my family, to someone I loved and cared about. It wasn't until I saw it on the news that I believed it. My sister came over to help me with the kids because I was a mess. I didn't sleep much that night, I cried and cried, until I curled up with Vic's little sis and was able to drift off to sleep. I begged Victoria to give me the strength and guidance to help her family get through this. I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea what it was going to be like to support someone/a family through a death. All I knew was one thing....
...I knew I was in for the fight of my life that night and all I could think about was "How am I going to get my husband through this?" He has already lost so much, been through so much hell. My heart was broken not only for Victoria but my husband as well. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and never let go, ever. I wanted to take away all his pain, even if that meant I endured and carried it. I felt helpless not being able to take away his pain. I had to sit and watch the man I loved so dearly suffer. The first few weeks were spent hovering around my husband, terrified of what he would do. During the lowest points, he'd say things out of utter agonizing pain and sadness. I wouldn't allow him to be by himself for more then just a few minutes. One second, I was picking him up off the bathroom floor as he was bawling his eyes out, or holding him as he shook and cried himself to sleep. His pain was indescribable. We have always had a really strong connection to where we feel each others emotions, even when we aren't around each other. His pain made my body ache. I was terrified it would last forever and I'd lose him too. I kept thinking to myself "We just buried his daughter, I can't lose and bury my husband next."
My brand new husband, the man I waited so long for, was hurting in the most cruel and unfair way possible. Just a month and a half before she passed, her and her two brothers attended our wedding, they watched us say our vows and become husband and wife. His two sons signed as witnesses. It was a beautiful, happy day. It meant the world to me. Especially now, it's a day I will forever hold close to my heart. I told Victoria the day we married, that I loved her father soooo much, and I was going to spend the rest of my life making him smile. She replied "I know you love him so much. I am happy he married you." Her approval always meant the world to me.
Loving my husband, supporting him through this impossible time, has never a burden to me. I felt/feel honored to be the one who is able to hold his hand through these last few months. There have trying moments, happy moment, anger moment, and painful moments. A new marriage is suppose to be fun and care free in the first few months, the "Honeymoon stage". We were just getting to know each other as husband and wife. We were just finding out who we were together as "we" and "us". We were just taking our two families and blending together. Our marriage was thrown into a different direction after a month and a half at the passing of his child. Everything changed. I felt helpless. I felt like I was losing everything.
It's been hard, but I have never given up. When he is overwhelmed with grief, anger or sadness, I push him to keep going. I try really hard to keep him from the dark places. I have asked him many many times "How can I help you?" "What can I do to make this a little easier on you?" but besides bringing his daughter back, the most I can do is just be there for him and love him. I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I am a fixer, and I couldn't fix this. I had to learn that I couldn't take away his pain. I couldn't speed up the process. I couldn't do anything but love and support him.
Everyone knows about the 7 stages of grief:
1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, and loneliness.
5. The upward turn.
6. Reconstruction and working through.
7. Acceptance and hope.
The stages often repeat themselves until the person is ready for the next step and just because they make it to the next step, doesn't mean they won't revisit the previous steps.
It's a vicious cycle. One day, they are happy and the next they can't keep their eyes dry. One day they are happy and optimistic, the next they are pissed off and hate everyone and everything. I would have to say that anger and sadness has been our main obstacles these last few months. It took me a long time to understand and recognize the stages, and see what stage he was currently in. There is no guide book in how to help your husband deal with the loss of his child. I know there are moments I wish I could have done better, been stronger, said and acted different. There are also moments I feel proud at how strong I was, how loving and loyal. I can tell you though, it's really hard to see someone you love so much, so entirely, hurt every single day. It's by far, the hardest thing I have ever been through. I hate watching him hurt. I absolutely hate it.
There were days he didn't sleep and I'd stay up with him and when I was exhausted, I would wake up and try to get him to lay back down. He'd lay his head on my shoulder, and I would run my hands through his hair and for a few minutes, I could comfort him. The holidays came and went and he struggled through each one. It broke my heart. One thing most people may or might not know about my husband, is that he's very resilient. There were days he'd drink a lot, and I would get so worried, but then a few days later, he was right back to his goals and dreams and how to honor his daughter. You can never count this man out.
The aftermath of her loss has impacted our marriage. There's no way it wasn't going too. Normal family and marriage issues fueled by anger and grief can take two normally loving, rational people, and turn it into an explosive argument. I am far from perfect and it broke my heart the few times they happened. I always say though, "With every set back, comes and even greater come back!" I believe every disagreement, big or small, is a learning lesson, a chance to grow. He is my best friend, and I am his. I vowed to love him through sickness and health. I promised to love him unconditionally. There are days he's not perfect, but there's also days I am not either.
It's been hard but beautiful at the same time. There were moments I closed the bathroom door, sat down and bawled, unsure of how to help him next, or if I was even helping him at all. Some days I felt completed defeated, useless and invisible. Some days I felt anger. Anger at how cruel and unfair our world is. Why her? Why this family? Sad days, where I'd remember a moment I had with her, or something funny she said and my heart would break. It's not fair. No matter how you spin it. "She's in a better place" etc It's just not fair and there's not enough time to take away that feeling. She was 14 and had the whole world in front of her. It's not fair. There were also selfish moments, where I missed the man I married and wished just for a day, he'd be able to smile at me the way he was able to before she passed. I was missing him terribly, missing us. I felt insecure, my whole life was spinning.
The truth is, a part of my husband died when his daughter did, but also, a new part of him was born.
My husband has many dreams he's working on. He's always wanted to be a boxer but never pursued it because he chose to have a family and now he's building a ranch and dedicating it to his daughter. He may have been knocked to his knees but the man that got back up is strong, motivated, and resilient. The way he's helped her friends and other cope is beautiful. In return, it's helped him heal and cope as well. I know Victoria would be proud of her father. I know, in spirit, she's rooting him on and giving him the push he needs to be strong.
Death is hard on everyone. It affects every part of your life. If I could give any advice to anyone going through the same kind of loss, it would be to be patient, be kind, understand that it's not going to get better overnight, or even in a few months. Grief has it's own timeline and pace. Give the person you are supporting love, give them reasons to go on and get out of bed in the morning. Realize the 7 stages and help them through each stage. If they start using unhealthy ways to cope, love them back into the right direction. Never give up on them. Love them unconditionally.
On a closing note, I want to again say how grateful I am to have had many heart to hearts with Victoria before she passed. She told me all about her family, her father and how to handle certain situations. She armed and educated me on everything she felt I needed to know. She asked me a strange question two days before she died and at the time, I didn't think anything of it. Now I understand why she did. She asked "Promise me, no matter what happens, no matter what happens between you and my dad, promise me you will never give up on him. You love him, you truly love him and he needs you." Some days I feel like I fail her, but I never give up. I will keep my promise. In a strange way, it's like she passed the torch to me. She entrusted me to make sure her father would be okay. I hope I make her proud.
-Jamie Lynn Hillman
Vic took this the day we got married.
08/05/2015
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March 4, 2016
Marriage
I am not a professional at marriage. I can't tell you what will work in your marriage will be something that works in another. I don't think marriages are cookie cut and a one size fit all. I think marriage takes work. It takes both people trying at all times. It takes honoring the vows you made the day you got married, even long after the time has passed. It takes falling in love over and over again but always with the same person. It's about loving each other despite any differences. It's agreeing to disagree and realizing it's not always about someone being wrong and someone being right. It's about making that person your best friend and realizing that nothing is more important then that person.
Marriage is also realizing not everything is going to go smoothly, there will be compromise. Marriage is built on communication and respect. Respecting the feeling and opinions of your spouse and realizing they won't always think like you, and that's okay. You fell in love with that person because of their uniqueness. After some time passes though, real life sets in, it's remembering why you fell in love in the first place and why you loved each other so much, in such a way it lead to marriage.
I have been married for 7 months on the 5th. Losing his 14 year old daughter gave our marriage the biggest test we will ever face. We were only a month and a half in when she passed. We were just getting settled. We were just starting to become a family. It's been a rollercoaster. High high's and low low's. In the end he is still my best friend though. He is still the man my heart beats for. As I have previously wrote in prior posts, Victoria armed with me with all the knowledge I will ever need to know about her father. She made sure she left her father in good care. There have been a few times where it's been really hard, but who said marriage would be easy? A normal marriage that doesn't involve losing one's child is hard and takes work, but my marriage? I believe my marriage is even more special because we've faced the most tragic loss, and yet, we still remain together. I keep my promises, to my kids, my husband, and even a 14 year old who now guides me in spirit.
It's been almost 2 years since the first time he told me he was in love with me and asked me for a hug. This time last year, I was writing blogs about how much I loved him and how I wanted to settle down and get married. A year later and I am 7 months in being Mrs. Hillman. We have both said to each other multiple times that we wish we were each other's first loves. Met each other sooner, had our babies together, but things happen for a reason and we met and fell in love the way we did for a purpose. Wouldn't that be nice though? No ex's, no baby mama's/daddy's, no baggage. Just love. It's a nice thought but honestly we are who we are, he is the man I fell in love with, because of our past.
He and I, have survived so much which would have destroyed another marriage. We are extraordinary still. Our love connection is huge. We built our marriage on friendship and love.
He is the only man who can make me as mad as he does but he is also the only man who can walk into a room and just his presence is calming. He is the only man who can touch me and nothing else matters in the world.... Sometimes I want to hug him, other times wrap my hands around his neck, I guess it must be true love. :)
Marriage is also realizing not everything is going to go smoothly, there will be compromise. Marriage is built on communication and respect. Respecting the feeling and opinions of your spouse and realizing they won't always think like you, and that's okay. You fell in love with that person because of their uniqueness. After some time passes though, real life sets in, it's remembering why you fell in love in the first place and why you loved each other so much, in such a way it lead to marriage.
I have been married for 7 months on the 5th. Losing his 14 year old daughter gave our marriage the biggest test we will ever face. We were only a month and a half in when she passed. We were just getting settled. We were just starting to become a family. It's been a rollercoaster. High high's and low low's. In the end he is still my best friend though. He is still the man my heart beats for. As I have previously wrote in prior posts, Victoria armed with me with all the knowledge I will ever need to know about her father. She made sure she left her father in good care. There have been a few times where it's been really hard, but who said marriage would be easy? A normal marriage that doesn't involve losing one's child is hard and takes work, but my marriage? I believe my marriage is even more special because we've faced the most tragic loss, and yet, we still remain together. I keep my promises, to my kids, my husband, and even a 14 year old who now guides me in spirit.
It's been almost 2 years since the first time he told me he was in love with me and asked me for a hug. This time last year, I was writing blogs about how much I loved him and how I wanted to settle down and get married. A year later and I am 7 months in being Mrs. Hillman. We have both said to each other multiple times that we wish we were each other's first loves. Met each other sooner, had our babies together, but things happen for a reason and we met and fell in love the way we did for a purpose. Wouldn't that be nice though? No ex's, no baby mama's/daddy's, no baggage. Just love. It's a nice thought but honestly we are who we are, he is the man I fell in love with, because of our past.
He and I, have survived so much which would have destroyed another marriage. We are extraordinary still. Our love connection is huge. We built our marriage on friendship and love.
He is the only man who can make me as mad as he does but he is also the only man who can walk into a room and just his presence is calming. He is the only man who can touch me and nothing else matters in the world.... Sometimes I want to hug him, other times wrap my hands around his neck, I guess it must be true love. :)
At the movies in January.
Hawaii in January.
California in February.
Hawaii
Hawaii
January 6, 2016
Don't become who hurt you
I am always trying to find meaning in life. I am one of those people who truly believe that everything happens for a reason, good or bad. With all of my heart, I believe I am where I am in life for a bigger reason then even I am aware of....
My awesome step-daughter armed me with a lot before she passed. I reflect on her words daily. From the advice she gave, to the promises I made, she is in my thoughts constantly. Today is no different. Today, as I was organizing pictures on my Facebook, I ran across a quote that read "Don't become who hurt you." this was the very last post she liked of mine on October 26th, and even reposted it herself that day. It was the second to last thing she posted before she passed on October 31st.
Today, I am reflecting on those words: "Don't become who hurt you."
I'd like to think she and I had some things in common. I believe we both have big hearts, care too much and constantly try to be the peace makers. We both love to spread love and happiness. She entrusted me to continue that on for her. I am trying sweet girl.
"Don't become who hurt you."
I think these words are incredibly powerful. It's why I posted it a few months back but it holds even more meaning now more then ever. Don't become who hurt you. Don't become bitter, and cold. Don't run and hide. Stay and fight. Push through. Don't be afraid, love unconditionally. Don't seek revenge, seek forgiveness and peace.
"Don't become who hurt you."
Don't lie, cheat, steal. Instead love, laugh, and be happy. We all have a past, things we aren't proud of, things we wish would could go back and correct but as another quote once read "There's a reason the review mirror is so small and the window in front of you is so big, because what's in front of you (your future) is more important then what's behind you (your past)."
"Don't become who hurt you."
I think this quote is beautiful. It speaks to remaining true to oneself, regardless of the trials and obstacles that life throw at us. Life can be hard and cruel and it's easy to be tainted by the hurt and pain but don't become who hurt you. Rise, demand better, be better, love harder. live truer. Don't become the person who hurt you, don't say the words that made you once cry. Don't treat people the way you hated to be treated. Don't become the people, words, actions, thoughts, etc that hurt you.
That's all for now.
-Jamie Hillman
My awesome step-daughter armed me with a lot before she passed. I reflect on her words daily. From the advice she gave, to the promises I made, she is in my thoughts constantly. Today is no different. Today, as I was organizing pictures on my Facebook, I ran across a quote that read "Don't become who hurt you." this was the very last post she liked of mine on October 26th, and even reposted it herself that day. It was the second to last thing she posted before she passed on October 31st.
Today, I am reflecting on those words: "Don't become who hurt you."
I'd like to think she and I had some things in common. I believe we both have big hearts, care too much and constantly try to be the peace makers. We both love to spread love and happiness. She entrusted me to continue that on for her. I am trying sweet girl.
"Don't become who hurt you."
I think these words are incredibly powerful. It's why I posted it a few months back but it holds even more meaning now more then ever. Don't become who hurt you. Don't become bitter, and cold. Don't run and hide. Stay and fight. Push through. Don't be afraid, love unconditionally. Don't seek revenge, seek forgiveness and peace.
"Don't become who hurt you."
Don't lie, cheat, steal. Instead love, laugh, and be happy. We all have a past, things we aren't proud of, things we wish would could go back and correct but as another quote once read "There's a reason the review mirror is so small and the window in front of you is so big, because what's in front of you (your future) is more important then what's behind you (your past)."
"Don't become who hurt you."
I think this quote is beautiful. It speaks to remaining true to oneself, regardless of the trials and obstacles that life throw at us. Life can be hard and cruel and it's easy to be tainted by the hurt and pain but don't become who hurt you. Rise, demand better, be better, love harder. live truer. Don't become the person who hurt you, don't say the words that made you once cry. Don't treat people the way you hated to be treated. Don't become the people, words, actions, thoughts, etc that hurt you.
That's all for now.
-Jamie Hillman
Me, my step-daughter, Victoria and my husband, Chris a few days after we got married in August.
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Losing my Father
From such a young age, I dreaded getting that phone call. I imagined how I react and tried to imagine the pain I'd feel. I played it ov...
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From such a young age, I dreaded getting that phone call. I imagined how I react and tried to imagine the pain I'd feel. I played it ov... -
In the last 5 months, I have kept pretty quiet. I haven't posted much on here, or any other social media about the loss of my step...