Losing my Father

From such a young age, I dreaded getting that phone call. I imagined how I react and tried to imagine the pain I'd feel. I played it over and over in my head for almost 35 years. Every holiday I would feel so blessed to still have my family intact. I've always had an unhealthy obsession with death, more the fear of it. My biggest fear in the world has always been and will always be, losing anyone in my immediate circle. 

In 2020, when Covid took over the world, everything changed. It changed me in many ways. I went from being a social butterfly to a recluse. I went from being carefree to being scared all the time. Everyday I'd wait for KSL to pop up on my phone to tell me the daily Covid numbers. Everything felt so tense, and uncertain. Everyday I held my breath and was so terrified it would take someone I loved. 

In early to mid 2021, My mom, sister, my children and I all got vaccinated. We tried convincing my dad and brother to get vaccinated but both deep into conspiracy theories and far-right brain washing, neither of them would even consider it. I will never understand how a vaccine became so political, or why people started taking medical advice from politicians instead of doctors. 

I tried convincing my brother and dad to get vaccinated all summer and most of the conversations got extremely heated. Unfortunately, that's what politicians with the help of their new channels did to the world. Between the conspiracy theories, fallacies, and straight up lies, it turned friends against friends, family against family. My family has always been close but even our family felt it. It seemed like politics were brought up every time we got together, divided down the middle, and both sides very passionate about what they believed. 

In September of 2021, we had one of our last family get togethers. My dad and I were sitting in my sisters front room and I asked "What if you get Covid and die" to which he replied so calmly "then I die", and mumbled something about if it's his time to go, it's his time to go. I told him he was being selfish and it wouldn't be fair to us if he died all because he was too stubborn to get vaccinated. He immediately gave me that "I'm going to blow" look so I backed off. We told each other we loved each other and enjoyed the rest of the night. 

In October of 2021, my brother got Covid. I can honestly say, I had never felt as scared as I did when he told us he was positive. I called every single day to check up on him and asked what his symptoms were that day. I was scared, emotional and broke down a few times terrified our family would experience our first loss. Luckily, he recovered, but once he beat Covid, he was even more against the vaccine. 

November 23rd, my parents celebrated their 36th anniversary. I put together a video of their life together over the years and let them know how much I appreciated having the best example of what true love is. 

December 19th everyone came together to celebrate Christmas. My kids picked out what to get everyone and Aspen decided it would be really funny to make her Grandpa work extra hard opening his presents by overly wrapping them. It was awesome and the videos are priceless. I talked to my dad about my desire to move to Oregon, football, and just life in general. When the kids and I were leaving I hugged my dad downstairs and hugged him for the very last time in her driveway. He hugged me tight, and we said we loved each other. 

Two days after Christmas, two of my daughter's and I got Covid. We had symptoms for five days. It felt like the flu, head cold, and bronchitis. Additionally, nasal congestion and sinus pressure. Two of my Daughters came down with it as well. I was so grateful we all were fully vaccinated. I had been a smoker for four years, and my lungs weren't in the best health. I hoped that seeing how sick we were would finally convince them, but it didn't. 

My mom wrote in the chat "Your dad is a pretty sick puppy, headache, nasal congestion, and drainage, pretty icky head cold" on January 5th. 

On January 6th, my Dad wrote "So far today, I'm feeling better. Just have a little head pressure. Been sleeping a lot which probably helps. Overall hasn't been too bad. I've definitely been sicker in the past.".

On the 7th, my dad went to the Doctor's for something unrelated and his Doctor told him his symptoms "are not Covid related" and told him he had the flu. He never tested him.

On January 8th, my sister asked my dad if he "tested positive for Covid "in which he replied "No. I just have the flu, with headache". She went on and asked him if he was "feeling any better any than the headache" and he said "Overall I feel better. Just can't seem to kick this head pressure".

On the 9th, I wrote my mom privately and asked her if my Dad was going to be okay, and if he needed to go to the hospital - she said he no he doesn't and that yes, he will be okay. 

On the 10th, my mom wrote "Dad's headache finally let up, he's weak and has no energy. Covid came in, and kicked some butt. Now we just need to get him back on his feet". I replied "Watch his breathing. Look up warning signs. People go into the ER way too late and end up on ventilators". 

On the 11th, my Brother wrote in the chat and advised our Dad to not "overdo it" and warned about "relapsing" and told him to take it "nice and slow". An hour later my Mother wrote "Yes, Dad is doing a lot of resting. I am having him sit up a little today though to open the lungs and give his back some reprieve". An hour later she wrote "He is fighting taking deep breaths it makes him cough, which causes pain from coughing" to which I replied "Does he need to be seen? If he's fighting to take deep breaths, it sounds like he's' fighting to breathe". 

She let us know that he "didn't want to go to the hospital, he's on antibiotics, and that she had the next day off". I replied "Men are stubborn and think they never need to go to the Doctors. If he sounds the same or gets any worse take him in tomorrow, please make him go".

I called him right after and left him a voicemail. 

My Mom wrote in the chat again and said "He doesn't sound bad, not like pneumonia. He's quiet except when he coughs. He is having to take his asthma regularly right now, nothing wrong with that. Maybe if he's up to it, you guys can Facetime later so you can see and talk to him".

At 8:25 PM, my Sister called me and left a voicemail, and wrote me saying "Call me asap". Immediately, I knew something was wrong, I could feel something was off. My entire body stiffen up. I truly didn't know what she was calling for though. I called her back a few minutes later. I was driving and she asked me if I was "alone", I said "yes". She told me to "call her when I'm home with the kids", and I told her I "already had anxiety" and begged her to tell me. Her voice cracked and she said "I just don't want you to be alone". I pulled over in Sprouts parking lot, told her I was parked, and told her to just tell me. She then said the words that I had dreaded for almost 35 years "Dad died".

I started bawling and screaming. I got out of my car and fell to my knees and continued bawling. My Sister stayed on the phone with me, we both cried. I didn't know what to do so I went into Sprouts to get what I was going there for, all the while tears were falling from my eyes like a waterfall. As soon as I walked into the store though, an Elton John song came on. I told my Sister and we both feel it was our Dad telling us it's going to be okay. 

The next four months are a blur. I cried and cried. At certain points, all I was doing was crying and not sleeping, others I wasn't sleeping or eating, and others I wasn't eating, sleeping and all I did was cry. 

It's now been almost 8 months and I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's no longer with us. I still cry but not as frequent. I've developed panic attacks. I don't cry everyday but when I cry, I CRY. The only way to truly explain how I feel is half of me died with my Dad. I feel numb most of the time. I go through the motions but after almost 35 years of having a Father, I haven't even started adjusting to his absence. I have a lot of guilt and regret. I wish I had done more. I miss my Dad more than words can express. I've had a few dreams of him and update them every time I do on a blog on here.