Sad day...

Today was a very exhausting day!!! I feel like i have cried every last emotion out of me. Today my EX & father of my two children went back to jail, it was only for a ticket he didn't pay from 3 years ago but his booking picture spoke more than words ever could.

I could tell from just a simple glance that he is using again. He was only in jail for a couple of hours until they released him. When he called i straight out asked him if i drugged tested him if he would pass & he replied "No...I've done Extascy a couple of times, a couple lines of coke & shrums but i haven't done heroin". I was just stunned by his honesty. I am not sure if it was because he acted like just because it was heroin it made all the other drugs okay, or the fact that he is still doing drugs that hardcore, or at all for that matter.

I will never understand how ANY parent can choose anything over their children. I look at my son & my daughter and i enjoy everything about them, i wouldn't want to miss a thing, not a smile or a single tear.   He has been out of jail (from a 6 month stint) and he has seen his children 3 times, all of them because someone picked him up and basically did it for him. Last night was his sons birthday and he couldn't even show up to that. I just find this situation extremely sad.

I have the best dad in the world, the most supportive, loving father & that is all i ever wanted for my two oldest children. I am at the realization that he will never be this kind of father. He told me tonight that he's done drugs every sense i met him, the whole time we were married. I thought that he started the drugs AFTER we split up and I've been carrying this burden of guilt around for the last 5 years. I feel guilty, mad & really sad that this is the person i picked to have my children with. Why couldn't i have been smarter? Why didn't i know he was using? I just don't understand how any person can pick drugs over their own children.

I feel like my whole "marriage" was a lie. Any part of him i held in high regard was torn apart by his confession tonight. Not only did he confess to doing drugs but he also confessed tonight to selling them. I hope there's an ending to this really soon because i don't know how to explain this situation to my children. He is more then 10 grand behind in child support as well. I told him that if he wants to see his children he must submit to a drugs test and PASS before he gets too. I will not give him a chance to hurt them.

On a final note: Everyone can create and bring a child into this world but actually raising, loving & putting in the work & effort is a whole other story. I am heartbroken :(

My Dear Austen Jay...

Today you turn five years old!! I can remember like it happened yesterday, you came into the world the happiest baby bouncing boy I've ever seen. You laid there just looking around the room, your head turning this way & that way, your eyes so big just taking in the world. Of course that was over after the nurse gave you a bath, you did NOT like that bath. You are the most perfect son i could ask for. You are mommy's whole world & my little buddy. You are so sensitive to how mommy is feeling, if i am sad you stay close to my side, if a tear ever falls you are there to tell me "Mommy don't cry, you always tell me it's going to be okay". You are such a boy's boy. You love to play ANY sport, play video games & play with cars & dinosaurs.  I couldn't be prouder  to have a son like you. I LOVE YOU AUSTEN JAY!!!

New Changes,,,

So, i have decided that i am going to pierce my nose! I have wanted to pierce it since i was a little girl, so on the 25th i am going to do it! It will be on my left side of the nose & just a tiny little stud. I am excited but terrified of the pain. eeeeekkkk! This is why i will be drinking a lot before doing it. :D I have the whole thing planned out...I know this may sound a little dramatic BUUT i cried when i got my ears pierced for the second time, i have a very LOW tolerance to pain. :( I will post pictures when i am done!