An Ode to my Gram...

It's been 18 years since you have passed but I want you to know that I think about you often. I try to go up to Alpine and visit your grave and say hello as much as I can.I wish you could have met my children. I wish they could have met you. Dad and I think and speak about you all the time. We love watching home videos and seeing your beautiful face, and hearing your voice.

As a child, I was different. I was nerdy and always felt misunderstood and alone. I'm sure most of those feeling were just in my head because as you know, I have an amazing family. You always made me feel super special, and as a child, it meant the world to me. Like clockwork, every weekend us kids and dad would pile into the car, come to your house and spend a lot of hours there. Dad would help you pay your bills, take you shopping, and us kids would clean your house. What no one probably knew, was how much we used our imagination there. Your house was magical and the scenarios we'd come up with were always so fun and entertain us for hours. I wish I could remember anything specific but unfortunately it's been too long and my mind has forgotten.

Only a few people in my life have called me "Jamie Lynn" but you were the one who only called me that. You nicknamed me "Angel" and still to this days it brings tears to my eyes when anyone else says it. I just felt special. I still do, thank you for making me feel so special.  I've lost Grandparents, Great Grandparents, but your death was the hardest on me. I remember dad getting a call that you were in the hospital and him running to your side. I went to school, came home and ran into my parents bedroom (where they were sleeping) and I asked my mom how you were.....she just shook her head and let me know that you had passed.

That was my first real experience with death. I cried a lot. I wondered if I would ever be someone's angel again. Right then and there I vowed that no one else could call me angel and got mad over the years, when anyone did. It brings a smile to my face because that's just silly of me.

 Two or three years ago, after we went to all the graves for Memorial Day, we were out to eat as we always do and there was a lady sitting a table away from dad and I and she looked and sounded just like you. It really tripped dad and I out but at the same time it was comforting.

You passed when I was 10 1/2 years old so a lot of my memories aren't as strong but I remember the only thing I wanted of yours, after you passed, was your golden whistle. Why? I don't remember but I remember dad giving it to me and I wore it forever, until I lost it. I remember that whistle always sat up on the fireplace? Or was it a mantle? I don't remember. I just remember I really wanted it and it brought me great comfort after you passed. Other than that whistle, there's two things that always remind me of you:

1. This type of monkey. When you passed I found one in your back bedroom and dad let me keep it. I see them from time to time and they always remind me of you.

2. Cheetos Puffs! I can still hear your voice say "Jamie Lynn, go grab me a bag of Cheetos Puffs" and my little legs would run, so proudly I might add, and grab you your Cheetos Puffs

Here's you Gram!! I miss you! <3

Storms

Today I saw a woman walk into the 7-11 where I was, and she was crying. I thought about all the times I had been out in public upset, crying, or just having a bad day and how most of the time, no one cared enough to say a word. Why do people do that? Yes, maybe it's none of our business, maybe you don't want to get involved, but we are all humans. We all have bad days and sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone. There's nothing worse than feeling alone in your misery, feeling like no one cares.

What bothers me the most is when people finally get through the storm, a lot forget what it felt like to be in it still. When you're in a great relationship, you forget how hard it is to be in a bad one, or go through a breakup. When you finally have money, you forget how you had to stretch $10 over 5 days until payday, or how embarrassing it was to ask to borrow money. The list goes on and on........

There's truly nothing that bothers me more than insensitive people. Maybe you would choose to deal with a situation a different way, but that's you, that's how you process. Every person processes differently because every person's storm is different.

For some people, it's more than just a bad day. For some people, it's mental health. Maybe their depressed? Bi Polar? Or something else completely. I feel like people forget what it's like to be in the storm, and judge how others deal with their storm. Shame on you.

For me, I deal with my storms through writing and talking. Lots and lots of talking. I'm lucky and blessed enough to have an amazing circle around me who pick me up when I fall. But sometimes, even they aren't enough. Sometimes I need to go through my storms my own way, alone, on my own time. I don't apologize for how I chose to process and deal with my storms.

Back to the lady at 7-11. I could have walked in, bought my purchase and walked out but I didn't. I stopped and said "I'm sorry you're having a bad moment or even day but I promise it will get better." The look on this ladies face wasn't horrified that I said that, she was grateful. Who knows maybe I even saved a life tonight.

I refuse to be that person who won't stop to ask someone who's crying if they are okay, or judge how others choose to process and deal with their storms. You are entitled to all your feelings, everyone is and no one has the right to tell you to feel any different. You are feeling what you are feeling for a reason and you should never apologize for feeling.

Life can be amazing and wonderful but life changes. No good moment or bad moment last forever. That's life. That's just part of being alive. Good moments turn into hard ones and then turn right around and are good again. The world needs to have a little more compassion towards others and how they choose to deal with their storms.

Don't be afraid to ask someone who is crying if they are okay, or say something positive to bring a smile to their face. Even if they don't show gratitude, I promise it helps. A genuine smile from a stranger can mean the world to someone who's feeling completely alone or hopeless.
-Jamie Lynn

I'm really not fine at all.

Life is weird.

If it wasn't for true love, then what was the point of it all? Why was I meant to go through this? Why did I have to lose my best friend of 17 years? If it wasn't for true love, what was the point?! What was the point of all those stolen moments? The walks in the park, going on long drives holding hands, and endless snuggles? I broke all my rules for what I thought was true love.....

To say I am heartbroken, is an understatement. I am just broken. I went all in. I ate up every word and gave in to every day dream. I truly thought he was the one. My one. How can I feel emotions so deep about someone but be wrong? I feel like our souls are connected, I don't know how to exist in a world where he doesn't.  For the first time in my life, I felt understood. He got me. He made me not feel alone. Where are you now? Why do I feel so alone?

As I write this blog, listening to our playlist, and tears stream down my face, I feel lost. Was I wrong? Were we wrong? I truly don't think we were. Those silent moments in my room, where nothing was said just a magical connection, we both felt so high. You're like my drug and I am going through withdrawals. How could I feel so safe in your arms and be wrong? What was the point of all of this? I would of been better not experiencing such a great love. I don't know how to function without it now.

No one has ever made me smile the way you can. I felt so much love I thought I would explode. It's such a waste of such a great love. Such a waste. Where are you? I keep searching but I can't find you. I lost you somehow....love me like you do. :( I miss my friend. I miss laying in your arms and just talking for hours. I miss falling asleep next to you....I just miss you. I miss us. We were extraordinary.

I am searching for answers I may never find. Life is cruel. What was the point of going through this? To show me how magical, how wonder love could be but that I couldn't grab it long enough to keep it? Can I lay by your side....next to you.....just for a minute? I don't want to be here if I can't be here with you tonight. This feeling is overwhelming, it's much too strong. Make my pain go away.

No one understands what we share. I have never cared. I knew what we felt. I believed in us. No one could make my heart beat fast and slow at the same time, the way you could. My heart would race when I knew I'd see you. The hours felt like minutes and I tried to memorize every line on your face, the feel of you skin, the smell of your hair. When I close my eyes, the memories take my breath away. Baby, just kiss me, end my pain.

I was just a girl, you were just a boy, together we were one, together we were perfect, talk about in sync, you knew what I was thinking before I could think it, get out of my head.....just two ordinary people who made extraordinary love. The heart wants what the hearts wants, why can't I convince mine not to love yours anymore? Why is it so dead set on you? What is it about you that makes me feel like I can't go on without you? Why can't I stop this pain? I never knew love could feel like a heart attack. The worse pain I've ever had....just tell me what to do, I'll fall right into you.

How did I fall in love with you? You never existed to me for years and then one day I couldn't live without you. My days are becoming longer, and my nights harder to face alone. I see you and you seem fine....if what we had was real, how could you be fine? Because I'm not fine at all....I'm really not fine at all.  I am really not fine. At all.

I have been heartbroken. I have been hurt. It never felt like this. What is this? I'd rather stop breathing forever then take one more breath that hurts this bad. I pray for amnesia. My heart is stuck, stuck just waiting for you. I told you my heart is yours completely. I told you I loved hard. You made me feel it was safe to love you. You told me you'd catch me if I fell.....where are you?

You made me feel things I have never felt before. You made me believe in fairy tales and soul mates. You made me believe in magic. You brought out sides of me I didn't know existed. You made me feel like a woman. You came into my life and I felt like I could finally catch my breath. I thought my heart was safe with you. I know I should be mad but I can't feel anything but pain. I miss you.

You said I was the love of your life, your other half, your twin soul. I felt the same. You said you'd give anything for me to say you were my soul mate....Babe, you're my soul mate. You forever have a piece of me. You made me feel complete. You were the only person who invaded my bubble and could make me feel calm within seconds of walking in my door. I'm waiting for you to walk back in my door. Will I ever stop waiting?

You showed me how to love you, you fought so hard for it but you never showed me how to make it stop. How do I stop loving you? How do I convince my heart to stop searching for yours? I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just wanted you to let me in. You're the cure, the pain, the only thing I want to touch. I never thought you'd mean this much to me. I never saw you because you were not mine to see, but that night I saw you, and even though you weren't mine to see still, I didn't care anymore.

I know every inch of your skin, how your heart beats, the little moans you make when I kiss you. I know your heart, I know your soul. I know you. I get you. You asked me to hold on, you promised it would all be okay, that everything we hoped and wished for would finally come true. You confessed your love to me daily. You made me feel so special. Your love made me believe in myself again. Why would you let go of something that made you smile so big and filled your heart up with so much love?

You came to me when I least expected you too but when I needed you the most. We both put each other back together and for what? So we can go the rest of our lives feeling this emptiness? Feeling like something is missing? Feeling incomplete? Why?! Why did you make me love you? When I moved in with my parents, why didn't you just let me go? Why did you make me love you so hard? I asked you once, how I was supposed to live without you, you said I'd never have too.....Where are you? Can I just hold your hand for just a few minutes?

How am I supposed to go on without you? I can erase your messages and try to forget all the times you said you loved me, delete your voice mails and try to forget the sound of your voice, delete our pictures and try to forget all the times we laughed and smiled together, but how do I erase the things my heart has felt?

I didn't want a few stolen moments, or just a couple of months. I wanted you forever. I was in it to win it. I stuck to you like glue. I finally found my one. I still wear your ring and every time I look at it, I can hear you say " This is my devotion of love to you, my promise." Why is it so easy for you to ignore all the things our hearts felt so deeply? Why do you settle for being numb? Don't you miss me too? Is every breath you take, painful as mine? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am so tired. I just want to sleep....but even there I see you. I can't escape this. I feel like I am drowning in my tears. I can't catch my breath.

I feel pathetic because I have lost interest in everything. Not even food is comforting. I just sit in a daze, confused how all this happened, and where it all went wrong.What hurts the most is how close we were. We almost made it. We almost grew old together. You almost loved me. Almost. If you're not the one, why is my heart so convinced you are? If you're not the one, why did your heart return my call? If you weren't made for me, why does my heart tell me you are?

I don't recognize the woman staring back at me. The girl who once never needed anyone, never let my guard down long enough to get attached, is broken. The memories are haunting me. They are everywhere. I see us laughing bowling, and kissing so much at the movie, what did we even go see? I can feel your hand in mine. I can feel your eyes staring at me, you could never take them off me. I can feel you pull me in closer to you as we lay in bed and the big sigh you'd let out when you finally got me close enough.

If you ever questioned if I loved you......I hope this blog answer that question for you. It's just a breakup, right? Why does it feel like a death? Why do I feel like I am losing my best friend? This feels like hearing every goodbye ever said to me, every heartbreak I've endured, every tear I've ever cried.....but feeling it all together, all at once. I am only human. One can only take so much. I believed you because I loved you more than life. Just keep breathing, that's what I tell myself when the pain hits, just keep breathing. I don't know anything, all I know is I am breathing.

I don't want you to leave, will you just hold my hand? Can you come sit next to me for just an hour? Why am I so damn emotional? Why does this hurt so damn bad? What do you do when the only person who can take away your pain, is the one who is causing it? How do I say goodbye to someone who made me smile until my cheeks hurt? I don't feel strong enough. I truly don't think I can pretend we never mattered.

This is killing me. I swear I've never cried this much in my life. The worst pain I've ever had. The pain has completely consumed me. Your clothes no longer smell like you. All I have is the memories in my head to keep me company. Don't forget about us. I will always love you.

I try to think about our last kiss, the way it felt, the way you tasted....but the memory is growing faint. Do you remember our last kiss? I wish I could wake up and have amnesia and forget all our memories. Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, your laugh, your smile, your hands....I'm not fine at all....I'm really not fine at all.

I love you forever and ever. Amen.