It has been a long time since I have posted a blog. Truth? I
forgot I even had one.
Technology is interesting. It's
there to make life easier but I find it's making it harder in some ways. We
can't remember new phone numbers because when we get them, we instantly put
them in our phones and don’t memorize them. Same goes for passwords, we log in,
save the passwords to whatever device we are using and go on with our lives. It
took me about 30 minutes to log into my blog because I couldn't remember the email
I used, or the password for my email.
Anyways, life has been
interesting as of late. Last year I went back and got my GED. The GED consists
of four parts: English, Science, History, and Math. I completed the first three
in 2014. I took the math portion twice, once in 2014, and once in 2015, each
time I failed. I was super discouraged and gave up for a few years. I decided I
was going to pass this damn test and get my GED last year though. At the time I
didn't have a vehicle so every day I took a Lyft to the Front Runner in Layton
and rode it to Murray for tutoring and back again. It was a huge thing for me because I have
never taken the Front Runner, Trax, or even a Bus. It was a huge growing
experience for me. I tutored for a week and then I took the test and PASSED! I
instantly started crying because there was a part of me that felt I would never
pass it. I felt relieved to have finally gotten that part of my life behind me.
I was no longer the "pregnant teenage dropout" I was a High School
graduate, by means of my GED certificate.
Last fall, I worked at AAA for
a few months after completing my GED on the phones helping people who needed
roadside assistance. It wasn't a terrible job, it paid good, but something
inside me was screaming at me. I felt like a robot. I woke up, went to work,
came home, was a mom, went to bed, and woke up the next day to do it all over
again. I was missing the passion, the fire, the hopes and dreams I once had. It
wasn't enough. I ended up quitting my job and then came winter. I fell into a
super deep depression, It was the worst I've had so far. I got back on my
depression medication but still I felt numb. I hit a wall. I was looking 40 in
the face in 8 years and felt like I needed more in my life. I needed to
accomplish more, be more, something! For a few months I was stuck in this rut
and waited to feel inspired about something.
For all my life I have wanted
to work with children. I wanted to work at Primary Children's Hospital. I
thought about getting my RN and working as a nurse but ultimately decided I
couldn't handle the responsibility of a child's life in my hands. I already
have 5 I worry about every day and I couldn't imagine going to work as a nurse
and being able to handle abused children or even losing one. I then thought
about becoming a paralegal. I spoke to my father's sister (my Aunt Diana) about
it and she gave me great advice but ultimately decided I didn't want to be
stuck under one umbrella, doing one thing. So, I signed up with
Steven-Henager's College to get my Associates degree in Business.
I’m still not sure exactly what
I am going to do with my degree, but it will open many more doors for better
careers. A business degree has a huge umbrella of careers. It'll take me 20
months (one month down already) to get my Associates, and if I want, I can go
further and do another 16 to get my Bachelor's. My first course I ended up at
the very top of the class and it reignited a fire within me. For so long now I
have just been a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother but somehow, I
lost my own identity. I forgot who I was. I am sure there are many mothers and
even fathers who understand where I am coming from. My youngest child started
first grade this year, so it enabled me to focus more on myself and my goals in
life. Starting college and finishing the first course on top reminded me that I
am capable of so much.
Since I was 17 it's been hard. I've made a lot of questionable
decisions. I've made life a lot harder for myself then it needed to be. I was a
teenage mom, who was a high school dropout, who had two baby daddies who sucked.
Sorry but not sorry. They fucking SUCK! I have these five amazing children who
I love dearly, and their lives have been a lot harder than needed to be because
I haven't had the support I deserved and needed, nor have they.
I have raised my babies the
best I could, but I feel I was a better mother when they were little, when they
needed me more. I was more engaged, more involved. I haven't always been able
to give them what they wanted, but they've always had what they needed. I've
always been told "I don't know how you do it" "You're so
amazing!" but the reality of it all is I wouldn't have gotten this far
without all the help I've received. Still, I wish I could give my kids more. I
wish I could give them a complete family. I know they have me but often, I
don't feel like I am enough. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically
exhausted. It's hard doing the work of three parents by myself. Again, I am
grateful for the help I've been given throughout the years though.
I try to remain optimistic
about life. Yes, I have a lot on my shoulders. I have a lot of ground to make
up for and a long road ahead of me going to college. College gives me new hope.
I won't be stuck working in call centers for the rest of my life. I can do
this! For so long I have just felt like a failure. A failure as a daughter,
sister, mother, wife, and friend. I felt like I was failing everyone. I failed
my parents by getting pregnant and dropping out of high school. I failed my
children by choosing two people who will never be the type of father's they
deserve. I failed as a sister because many things came in the way of spending
time together. I failed as a wife. I don't really consider my first marriage a
marriage. We were kids. When I say I failed as a wife, I am talking about my
marriage to Chris. I failed because I hadn't ever lost someone, so I had no
idea how to support someone through grief and loss. I failed because I added
more burden to an already impossible situation. He and I know the truth. There’s
no need to explain or defend it anymore publicly. Lastly, I failed because I
became an alcoholic to cope with everything, I’ve been through in life. I just
failed. These are my true feelings, not words in my ears,
After Victoria died in 2015,
it's just been a blur. An alcoholic haze. For the most part it was just beer, a
lot of beer, but sometimes it was mixed drinks. I say this not because I am
bragging and not even because I am ashamed. I have faced and came to terms with
it. It was my way of coping with life. I am not blaming this on the death of my
step-daughter either. I didn’t have good coping skills, period. I decided on
March 27, 2019 that I wouldn't drink for six months. I was a binge drinker. I wasn’t
an alcoholic in the sense that I HAD to drink or even drank everyday (even
though sometimes I did) but when I would drink, I couldn’t stop at one or two. It's
almost been two months and I am still sober. With the clarity I've gained, I
don't think I'll ever drink again. I don't want to just exist and be a zombie.
I want to live, feel, and grow as a person. I want my children to have a sober
mother. Alcohol has done nothing but prolong my healing and growth. It made me
become someone I didn't recognize and someone I didn't like. My mother knew something
was up and called me out on it. At first, I denied it but eventually I came
clean. I love you mom and dad; I am finally becoming the woman you raised me to
be.
Again, I am excited for college
and look forward to my future. Neither of the fathers of my children have
graduated from high school or have their GED's, and no one in my immediate
family has attended college either. It gives me a sense of pride to be the
first person in my family to attend college. It's a great way to show my
children that you can overcome anything if you set your minds to it. You are
never stuck unless you want to be. I believe it'll empower my children to see
their mother obtain these new heights and become someone they can be proud of
and strive to be like. I love you, Alexia, Austen, Alyssa, Aspen and Aydn. I am
sorry for all the mistakes I've made that’s made life harder on us. I am going
to work my ass off to give all of you the life you truly deserve.
Last, but not least, my heart
is still with the same person it has been with since 2014. He is my best
friend, the person I tell everything to. The person I want to wake up with and
fall asleep next to for the rest of my life. The first person I think of when I
open my eyes in the morning and the last person I think about before I fall
asleep at night. It's not been easy. We have been faced with more obstacles in
almost (April 30th) 5 years, than most people deal with in their entire lives.
We've laughed together, cried together, traveled the world together, and still,
when the world gets crazy, we lay together and everything stops. We love like
husband and wife, fight like brother and sister, talk like best friends, and
help each other grow like father/daughter, mother/son. We aren't in a relationship;
we are in an everythingship. I love you, Chris, I always will. He's pushed me
to grow. Not always in the softest approach, but beneath it all, it’s always
been love. He pushed me to get my GED, he pushed me to want more for myself,
and he pushed me to believe in myself that I could go to college and be great.
Again, we know our truth and no longer feel the need to explain or defend
ourselves anymore. Thank you for loving me, for pushing me to better myself,
and I love you forever.
I am not sure where life is going to take me, but I have a good
feeling. I am doing the things I need to be doing. I am setting goals and obtaining
them. The fire is relit inside of me. For the first time, in a long time, I am
excited about life and looking forward to the future. I guess that’s the point
of this blog, to say that you can overcome anything if you put your mind to it.
You are never stuck unless you want to be, and the heart wants what it wants,
.jpg)