Losing my Father

From such a young age, I dreaded getting that phone call. I imagined how I react and tried to imagine the pain I'd feel. I played it over and over in my head for almost 35 years. Every holiday I would feel so blessed to still have my family intact. I've always had an unhealthy obsession with death, more the fear of it. My biggest fear in the world has always been and will always be, losing anyone in my immediate circle. 

In 2020, when Covid took over the world, everything changed. It changed me in many ways. I went from being a social butterfly to a recluse. I went from being carefree to being scared all the time. Everyday I'd wait for KSL to pop up on my phone to tell me the daily Covid numbers. Everything felt so tense, and uncertain. Everyday I held my breath and was so terrified it would take someone I loved. 

In early to mid 2021, My mom, sister, my children and I all got vaccinated. We tried convincing my dad and brother to get vaccinated but both deep into conspiracy theories and far-right brain washing, neither of them would even consider it. I will never understand how a vaccine became so political, or why people started taking medical advice from politicians instead of doctors. 

I tried convincing my brother and dad to get vaccinated all summer and most of the conversations got extremely heated. Unfortunately, that's what politicians with the help of their new channels did to the world. Between the conspiracy theories, fallacies, and straight up lies, it turned friends against friends, family against family. My family has always been close but even our family felt it. It seemed like politics were brought up every time we got together, divided down the middle, and both sides very passionate about what they believed. 

In September of 2021, we had one of our last family get togethers. My dad and I were sitting in my sisters front room and I asked "What if you get Covid and die" to which he replied so calmly "then I die", and mumbled something about if it's his time to go, it's his time to go. I told him he was being selfish and it wouldn't be fair to us if he died all because he was too stubborn to get vaccinated. He immediately gave me that "I'm going to blow" look so I backed off. We told each other we loved each other and enjoyed the rest of the night. 

In October of 2021, my brother got Covid. I can honestly say, I had never felt as scared as I did when he told us he was positive. I called every single day to check up on him and asked what his symptoms were that day. I was scared, emotional and broke down a few times terrified our family would experience our first loss. Luckily, he recovered, but once he beat Covid, he was even more against the vaccine. 

November 23rd, my parents celebrated their 36th anniversary. I put together a video of their life together over the years and let them know how much I appreciated having the best example of what true love is. 

December 19th everyone came together to celebrate Christmas. My kids picked out what to get everyone and Aspen decided it would be really funny to make her Grandpa work extra hard opening his presents by overly wrapping them. It was awesome and the videos are priceless. I talked to my dad about my desire to move to Oregon, football, and just life in general. When the kids and I were leaving I hugged my dad downstairs and hugged him for the very last time in her driveway. He hugged me tight, and we said we loved each other. 

Two days after Christmas, two of my daughter's and I got Covid. We had symptoms for five days. It felt like the flu, head cold, and bronchitis. Additionally, nasal congestion and sinus pressure. Two of my Daughters came down with it as well. I was so grateful we all were fully vaccinated. I had been a smoker for four years, and my lungs weren't in the best health. I hoped that seeing how sick we were would finally convince them, but it didn't. 

My mom wrote in the chat "Your dad is a pretty sick puppy, headache, nasal congestion, and drainage, pretty icky head cold" on January 5th. 

On January 6th, my Dad wrote "So far today, I'm feeling better. Just have a little head pressure. Been sleeping a lot which probably helps. Overall hasn't been too bad. I've definitely been sicker in the past.".

On the 7th, my dad went to the Doctor's for something unrelated and his Doctor told him his symptoms "are not Covid related" and told him he had the flu. He never tested him.

On January 8th, my sister asked my dad if he "tested positive for Covid "in which he replied "No. I just have the flu, with headache". She went on and asked him if he was "feeling any better any than the headache" and he said "Overall I feel better. Just can't seem to kick this head pressure".

On the 9th, I wrote my mom privately and asked her if my Dad was going to be okay, and if he needed to go to the hospital - she said he no he doesn't and that yes, he will be okay. 

On the 10th, my mom wrote "Dad's headache finally let up, he's weak and has no energy. Covid came in, and kicked some butt. Now we just need to get him back on his feet". I replied "Watch his breathing. Look up warning signs. People go into the ER way too late and end up on ventilators". 

On the 11th, my Brother wrote in the chat and advised our Dad to not "overdo it" and warned about "relapsing" and told him to take it "nice and slow". An hour later my Mother wrote "Yes, Dad is doing a lot of resting. I am having him sit up a little today though to open the lungs and give his back some reprieve". An hour later she wrote "He is fighting taking deep breaths it makes him cough, which causes pain from coughing" to which I replied "Does he need to be seen? If he's fighting to take deep breaths, it sounds like he's' fighting to breathe". 

She let us know that he "didn't want to go to the hospital, he's on antibiotics, and that she had the next day off". I replied "Men are stubborn and think they never need to go to the Doctors. If he sounds the same or gets any worse take him in tomorrow, please make him go".

I called him right after and left him a voicemail. 

My Mom wrote in the chat again and said "He doesn't sound bad, not like pneumonia. He's quiet except when he coughs. He is having to take his asthma regularly right now, nothing wrong with that. Maybe if he's up to it, you guys can Facetime later so you can see and talk to him".

At 8:25 PM, my Sister called me and left a voicemail, and wrote me saying "Call me asap". Immediately, I knew something was wrong, I could feel something was off. My entire body stiffen up. I truly didn't know what she was calling for though. I called her back a few minutes later. I was driving and she asked me if I was "alone", I said "yes". She told me to "call her when I'm home with the kids", and I told her I "already had anxiety" and begged her to tell me. Her voice cracked and she said "I just don't want you to be alone". I pulled over in Sprouts parking lot, told her I was parked, and told her to just tell me. She then said the words that I had dreaded for almost 35 years "Dad died".

I started bawling and screaming. I got out of my car and fell to my knees and continued bawling. My Sister stayed on the phone with me, we both cried. I didn't know what to do so I went into Sprouts to get what I was going there for, all the while tears were falling from my eyes like a waterfall. As soon as I walked into the store though, an Elton John song came on. I told my Sister and we both feel it was our Dad telling us it's going to be okay. 

The next four months are a blur. I cried and cried. At certain points, all I was doing was crying and not sleeping, others I wasn't sleeping or eating, and others I wasn't eating, sleeping and all I did was cry. 

It's now been almost 8 months and I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's no longer with us. I still cry but not as frequent. I've developed panic attacks. I don't cry everyday but when I cry, I CRY. The only way to truly explain how I feel is half of me died with my Dad. I feel numb most of the time. I go through the motions but after almost 35 years of having a Father, I haven't even started adjusting to his absence. I have a lot of guilt and regret. I wish I had done more. I miss my Dad more than words can express. I've had a few dreams of him and update them every time I do on a blog on here. 

Dreams of my Father

1-17-19 (not sure of the exact day)- 22

It was super quick. I was riding in a car, like on bangerter or something and Dad was in a window in one of the passing buildings (not sure if it was a house, apartment, or what) and I pointed at him as we drove by. 

2- 18-22

Dad showed up at the end of my dream again last night. He said "1,2,3,4" then counted to five like he always did.

3-20-22

He was in my dream for just a split second. We were like at an NFL game or something but I looked over the edge of where I was sitting in the stadium and Dad was sitting down lower holding a younger Kelly. I told my sister that even in my dreams she's still his favorite. 

4-16-22

Last night I had a dream my Dad came back alive. It was so lifelike. The whole dream was mainly in the South Jordan house. I remember being terrified to leave his side. He knew he had died and didn't know how it was possible he was there with me but promised he'd never leave me. He went to work etc etc. It was like how life was living at that house. The end of the dream he said he had to go back and I said I knew and then I woke up. I don't know if it was just a dream or if he was trying to comfort me. Idk. It was so nice to feel his presence in the dream though. 

4-29-22

It was kind of the same style as the last one except this time it was in the WV home. He was in the whole dream. Again, I knew in my dream that he had died and spoke to him about it. It was again like a normal life and right before I woke up he said he had to go back.

4-30-22

He was in this dream for just a second. I was at Kelly's beautiful wedding reception (even though she's already married), and my Dad came up to me and said something about "watch how someone treats you"or "How they treat you says everything about you" something like that and basically told me that people who treat people that way aren't honorable. After he was finished talking he gave me a hug and made the sound he made when he hugs. It felt so real! I felt safe, loved, and safe. I woke up right after he hugged me. 

6-22-22

Mom and Dad had my kids and brought them home. My mom was going through a box and asked me to feel how soft this hat that she's had in her sock drawer that she's never worn. She was pushy about me feeling how super soft it was. I tough it and was inspecting in and as I was, I noticed there was an animal face and wanted to get away from it. My mom had the hat in her hand and said it was a real chinchilla. All of a sudden it jumped on my head and I was screaming and trying to pull it off. I ran over to the couch and threw it off me and screamed some more. My Dad, Mom, and Aspen were by the couch. and my Dad said "Hey, you're scaring it!" Aspen jumped in and said she'd raise and take care of it. My Dad said it wouldn't be a good idea because we have too many dogs. I walked over to where my dog runner is and said "I have two dog runners and two kennels" to prove that we had what we needed so she could keep it. My attention was pulled over to Austen teasing Aydn. All my kids were younger, I think Alexia was like 8, so the kids were all pretty young. I don't know what house we were in. I didn't recognize it. After I looked back up, I noticed my Dad walking into the other room and I thought to myself "He has no idea he's going to die" and I walked into the room he was in. He was drinking what appeared to be coffee and I asked him "If you were to die, what's one thing you'd want everyone to know?" He replied "I'd want everyone to know how much I love them and to never forget it". My eyes immediately shot open and I was awake. 

7-18-22

I dreamt my sister and I had two weeks to save my dad. There were many conversations and hugs but in the end we weren't successful. We tried to convince him he was going to die but he said "Not going to happen" just like he did when he talked (in real life) about him dying because he wouldn't get vaccinated. I didn't recognized a single place we were throughout the dream, except at some point my sister and I were at the dollar store. I'm not sure for what but we were there to get stuff to try and save our dad. What a mean dream. I woke up crying and cried a few times throughout the day. 

Sometimes between the end of July and beginning of August, I dreamt of pictures of my dad holding and playing with my pug named Pickles (who he's never met). 

I had another dream where he told me something but all I could remember when I woke up was except that he wanted me to talk to Kelly, or did, about the 16th.

8-16-22

This was a long one. It started by our family friends (Royers) had my moms rings. She was super mad about it. I got the rings from them since mom and dad were out of town and when they came back, mom was unhappy still with the Royers. 

My dad then showed me the last ring he had bough my mom. It was a rainbow and shaped like a dragon fruit. He said "You put it on your purse and smell it".  

I don't know why that part was relevant in any capacity of life. Hahaha

Next, our entire family, (extended and both sides of the family), gathered in a church gym. They were all sitting down, my dad was in the very back against the wall. My mom explained that my dad was sick, and what was slowing taking over his body and would eventually kill him. She said his lips and face had spasms currently but eventually if would be a heart attack.

I was determined to search for an experimental treatment that would save him. Kelly and I teamed up (this is the second time I dreamed this scenario. My dream then shifted to my dad telling me if we couldn't save him that I was to look at my mom, Kelly was to look after me. He said Josh would know what to do?? He said he loved us and was so proud of our family. He said he'll always watch over and protect us if he didn't survive. He hugged us and then it flashed into my kids and I walking into my childhood home in West Valley. 

The kids were the age they are now and when we walked in everything looked the same as it did growing up except the Mowers were moving in. There were boxes all around. I asked if the toilets worked, and Reece said no. Aspen walked over and flushed it, looked super annoyed at Reece, and then I ran around trying to find another one because all the Mowers were hovering around that toilet amazed that it was working. 

I woke up because I actually had to pee. 

WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER OF A DREAM!!!

8-26-22

It was really long so I don't remember every detail but my dad was in the whole dream. First, he died, but came back alive. It flashed and we were all in a car together (I was in the passenger seat, my dad was driving, and the kids were in the back), but Aspen (around 7 years old) got out and started running around the car and I was yelling for my dad to get her but he just watched her run around through the window. It was a super busy highway. She came around my dad's side of the door and he started calling her and right as she got right by the window, a speeding car came and ran into her. We all started screaming and I watched as they carried her over to the ambulance and we all knew there was no way she was going to survive. A cop (or some type of authority person) came and told my dad  she was alive and a fighter. He looked at me and said it would be good if I went and talked to her. We all walked over to where she was and she jumped up and was fine. It flashed to us all being at home and dad was in his chair and died again He was talking, stopped, and faded away.  It was very sad. We were all shook up and then it went to another scene, maybe days/weeks/months later where everyone was playing and laughing and all of a sudden my dad appeared again. I was talking to him asking him questions but no one else could see him. I asked him if it hurt when he died, he said no. I asked him if he was okay where he is, and he said yes.  I asked him more questions but I can't remember what. Something else happened before I woke up but I can't remember that either.