Being my own hero.

Today is a little better than yesterday. I don't feel so....dark. I've decided I need to make some needed changes in my life, and take more control. I am allowing too many outside factors affect my happiness and sanity. Today I woke up and decided no more. No more craziness. No more tears. No more "what ifs." No more.

Yesterday, I went and applied at a new job. I am still at my current job but I think I need a change of pace. I love the team I work with dearly, but I am not a fan of the atmosphere of the job as a whole. People act like smiling is a disease and being friendly will kill you. I thrive on positive vibes and friendly smiles so I need to put myself around people like that. I have learned a lot working with Medicare and will be saving my pennies because DAMN! How people can sleep at night while charging our senior citizens so much money for insurance is beyond me! If I had it my way, I would give people 65 and above free Medicaid. This is not a jab against the company I work for, but more against the medical system as a whole. I don't believe charging a 90 year old man for medical insurance is okay. It truly bothers me.

On top of changing my job, I am planning on moving here soon too. There is just too many memories lingering in my current place. I need a fresh start and to make new memories. If I had it my way, I would move up to Spanish Fork and live closer to my two best friends. I neeeeeed them in my life more. Speaking about my best friends, let me take a second here and tell you about my best friend.....

Sesha, my best friend, my person, my rock, that girl has carried me and was strong for me when I was unable to be strong for myself. She is my solider who defends my honor, and supports me, even when she is completely against what I am doing. She is truly my soul mate. I always thought my soul mate would come in a male form, but I am so grateful I found my soul mate in my best friend. I've had many best friends over the years, but the connection she and I have is like none I've ever experienced. I never have to question her loyalty, or if she has my back. I just know she always does, and always will. Only a few people know this but when I found out I was pregnant with my 5th child I was planning on having an abortion because I already had 4 and didn't think I would be able to balance another one. I worried that another child would stretch out my energy, money and sanity too thin. I was unable to afford to have an abortion and even though she was completely against abortions, she was not only going to give me the money to do it, she was going to hold my hand while it was done. Ever since then, I've had the deepest love and loyalty to her. I loved her before than but that moment made me appreciate her on a new, deeper level. She is the true definition of a self-less person. She was willing to put her feelings and beliefs aside because she knew I needed her. I am very happy and grateful to say that I didn't go through with the abortion because my little Aydn is such a blessing and I couldn't imagine my life without him. (On a side note: I diiiiid get everything cut and tied so I wouldn't ever be put in that situation again though.)  Sesha is not only my best friend, she is my sister. I have family that's blood, and blood that's not family. Sesha may not be my blood, but she is my family. Never once has she ever made me feel like I annoyed her with my constant back and forth with men. She always listens to me vent, say I am done, and supports me the next day when I take them back. She has listened to me, for hours on end, complain and cry but is right by my side supporting me when I say we're giving it another try, and truly roots for my happiness. She is truly my solider and I love her dearly for that. No one in this world (besides my family)  knows me as much as she does, knows all my ugly, and still loves me unconditionally the way she does. Today I am grateful for her beyond words.

Today I woke up and am choosing to focus on the positive. I am going to focus on all the good I have in my life, and stop focusing on the things I can't control. I cannot control the way other's choose to love. I cannot control if people walk in and out of my life. I cannot control many things but I can control how I allow it to affect my sanity, and the way I choose to allow it affect my happiness. I have been searching for peace instead of creating my own. I have been searching for love instead of loving myself enough to walk away from people who continue to just take and take from me. I am an amazing person, with so much love to give and they are the one's who will be missing out. When they wake up one day and realize they let go of someone who truly loved them, when they realize they've settled for ordinary when they could of had extraordinary, I will be the one with the last laugh. I need to stop killing myself to be what other's want and just be content being me. I will find someone who loves me just the way I am and will appreciate what other's have taken for granted. One day I will find a man who not only talks the good talk but can back it up. A man who doesn't just say "I love you" but can prove it with his actions. Anyone can say "I love you" but not many can prove they love you. One day I will find a man who loves the way I do, heart, body, mind, and soul. Someone who doesn't play mind games, and someone who doesn't just think about their own feelings. I am refusing to allow broken men to damage my beautiful spirit because I am beautiful, inside and out. I refuse to allow myself to believe their actions and craziness had anything to do with me for another second. Your craziness is a reflection of your heart and soul, not mine. Your cruel words and unexplained actions reflect badly on your soul and sanity, not mine. You were crazy before me, and will be crazy long after me too. I refuse to allow another day to pass living in the past, not appreciating the present, and allowing my past to interfere with my future.

Today I am choosing to save myself.
I am being my own hero.

-Jamie Lynn

Stuck

I feel like I am stuck. Everything around me is okay, I have beautiful, healthy, happy children, a job that pays the bills, and everything I need. I still feel stuck. I am stuck in this dark space in my head and no matter how I try to shake it, it still lingers. Maybe it's depression? Maybe it's the Bi Polar? Whatever it is, it is draining the life out of me. I hate that I feel this way when there's so many people in this world facing worse, while having less. I feel selfish and hate that I don't feel more grateful for the life that was given to me. I beat myself up because there's really no excuse to feel the way I do. I can't explain the way I feel except stuck. I can't remember the last time I was TRULY happy. Happy without all the worries, and stress. Happy just for the sake of being happy. I don't feel like myself. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize the person staring back at me most days. I have no addictions, I'm not an alcoholic, there's no chemical that's changing my behavior, but yet, stuck. I keep waiting for it to pass, waiting to feel normal again, but yet, stuck. Maybe I've stretched myself to thin, gave too much of myself away and left nothing for myself? Maybe life has just taken it's toll on me? Maybe I'm having a mental breakdown? Who really knows. All that I do know, it's that I miss me. I miss the fierce, happy, bubbly, outgoing person I used to be. These days I go to work then go home. That's it. That's my life. I have no desire to do much, sleep is more appealing than anything. Maybe I'm just lonely? Again, who knows.  Most days I don't feel anything at all. I walk around feeling completely out of it, until I have an anxiety attack over something dumb. I have so much to be grateful for, why can't I get out of this funk I'm in? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I am going to name 5 things I am grateful for now:

1. The health and safety of my loved ones. I couldn't live without my parents, siblings, and my children. They are my heart and soul.

2. My job. I am grateful to be able to pay my bills and support my children.

3. I am grateful for my amazing friends. My friend carry me when I am too weak to crawl, and never let me drown.

4. Music. I constantly have headphones in trying to tune out the rest of the world.

5. Comfort food. When all else fails, bury your feelings deep down and pile cake on top of it. :)

Heartbroken

When did life get so complicated? Remember being a kid and the most intense thing you had to do everyday was clean your room and make your bed? The rest of the day was spent climbing trees, riding your bike, and playing with your friends? It's funny how things change when you get older and get those adult responsibilities.

I remember how my biggest decision in life as a  kid was who I was going to play with that day, and what the hell we were going to do. Were we going to play at my house, their house, outside? Were we going to ride our bikes, play with our barbies, or watch TV? As children, we really truly had no idea what adulthood has in store for us....

Now, my daily life consists of getting 5 kids and myself ready everyday, daycare, work, back home, homework, chores, dinner, baths, etc etc etc all the while trying to balance a relationship, their daily responsibilities and everything else life throws our way everyday. Can we go back to climbing trees, please? I constantly wonder why in the world I was in such a hurry to grow up?

I would take cleaning my room, and falling off my bike and scraping my knee over broken hearts, paying bills, and dealing with adult responsibilities.  Some days I just want to build a fort made out of blankets, climb underneath it and color, ignoring the rest of the world and all that includes.

Something has got to give. Life has to give a little and get a little easier because I am exhausted, beyond exhausted. Being an adult is hard stuff!! What I would give to just ride my bike, climb a tree, or play with my barbies again.  Back in the days when fairy tales still existed, hearts weren't broken, and we didn't know all the ugly that was in this world. When we weren't damaged and scared, but hopeful and looked at the world as a beautiful place.

Sincerely,
Deeply Heartbroken.

Remember when I proposed to you?

Remember when I proposed to you? Remember how excited you were?