Excuse or example?

My heart is heavy tonight. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I love my children with a fire that will never burn out. I would walk through fire for them. I would run into a burning building to save every single one of them. I would jump in front of a bullet, give my last breath to save them, and yet I get to witness other people hurting their kids in ways they'll never comprehend.

Your child should never have to beg for your love and attention. No child should feel responsible for your actions, your decision to use drugs. Forget the "It's an illness"bullshit! It's just another excuse to enable. My life is hard, sometimes I think about how it would feel to numb my pain but what stops me is my family, my mother, father, siblings, children, friends, but most importantly me. I make the decision to not go down that road. I made that decision a long time ago to not be that type of person. I'm not runner. I will face life head on

I have seen first hand what drugs to kids so when I see kids I love (including my own) dealing with it, it hurts. I cry for their innocence and their childhoods. I couldn't image having shitty, selfish parents. My parents are my base, my core, the place I've always been able to call home. Every kid should have that. There's just so much to this world I don't understand. I don't understand people.

If I ever had a falling out with my parentd- well one that would never happen, either they or I would hunt/stalk the other until we were in the same room and hashed out whatever. If something big were to happen, my parents would always try to mend things. I don't understand how some people can leave this kind of pressure on their children. You were/still are a terrible parent and blame your kids for wanting nothing to do with you? You think it's on them to make the first move and make things right? Some people are just sick. Hurt your children over and over. Lie to them, let them down over and over and add insult to injury but proving to them they don't matter by not fixing the problems and putting them first. Some people deserve to die slow painful deaths.

Tonight, I am feeling grateful for my parents, my childhood but I have a heavy heart for the children I know who don't and will never have that kind of unconditional love and support. Damaged people creating damaged kids. The great part of this story is watching a certain child grow up and break the cycle. Using her life as an example, not as an excuse. I know it must still be so lonely and I'm sure she has a million unanswered questions but watching her thrive is the most amazing feeling. Just goes to show how some people use their stories as excuses while others use theirs as examples.

I am not perfect, but I am not my mistakes.
I am not popular, but I have amazing family and friends.
I am not a supermodel, but I am beautiful.

I love super hard, cry for no reason sometimes, and pretend things don't bother me, when in reality, they eat me alive inside. I try to put other people's feelings before my own and treat others the way I want to be treated, I try to live by example. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that people are put in our lives for a reason but most importantly, I believe in the power of love.

I believe love has the power to make or break us. Love can either life us up to the highest power, or break us down to our very core. I believe it takes the same amount of energy to be happy, as it does to allow ourselves to be miserable, so why not fight for the feeling of love?

I am not where I want to be, but I am a lot further than I was a year ago.
I am 

The one

It's funny how life can take new meaning. As you get older, the things that once mattered, no longer do. You realize that going out to clubs, and nameless faces aren't as meaningful as standing in a parking lot with the one you love just laughing, or walking around a park holding their hand. It's truly the little things, the small moments that no one knows about, that truly mean the most. Endless laughter and falling asleep next to each other, those are the moments I live for. As I've gotten older, I've realized people are what matter, not possessions and money. Time and love are the two things you can't buy in this world, and they are the things that count. 

You can't force a person to love you or to spend time with you. They have to chose you. They have to decide to give their love and their time to you. I am blessed and grateful for every second I am given. Life is just too short to be anything but truly happy and settle for anything less than extraordinary love. As the old saying goes: "Good things comes to those who wait."

All those sleepless nights, all those tears. At a certain point I felt like I might drown in my tears but he reached down and pulled me up and now we're both swimming. I am grateful for all my struggles because they have only made me more grateful. I am proud of every tear, because they got me here.  I am grateful for the wrong ones, because they made me appreciate the right one.

What do you do when you finally get everything you've ever wanted? The wheels in my head won't stop spinning. I want this happy, almost euphoric feeling to never end. My once crazy, unstable life, is now feeling more harmonious and balanced. Who needs the world when I have you? I no longer have the desire to dress up and take the spot light in a room, because there's only one man's attention I desire. Being loved by the right man, has made me a better woman.

I am going to keep this one short and leave with this last thought....As you get older, quality becomes more important than quantity. Having the love and attention from someone you truly love means more than the attention from 1,000's nameless faces. I spend everyday not entertaining 1,000's of men, but entertaining just one, in a 1000 ways. Everything in my life up until now has been preparing me for this moment. 

I can feel it. 

This is it.

He is the one.