The reason I breathe…..

I needed to take a minute and block out all the bullshit that's going on around me and remember things I am grateful for. Out of all of the things I am grateful for...... I am most grateful for the beautiful babies I was given to bring into this world and raise. 

I know I do a lot of rambling about their fathers so I wanted to take a second and write about them, individually.

 

Alexia Kelly - My 1st born - Alexia is in third grade. She is truly my best friend. I love to do anything with this girl.  We get our hair done, our nails done etc. I always make sure I take special days out just for her because truly without her,  I don't know how I'd be able to do what I do. I don't get the kind of support I and the kids deserve from the fathers all the time and Alexia steps in and fills in the gaps.  I have to constantly tell her to stop doing so much and just be a kid actually. Her favorite person in this world is her baby brother Aydn. The two of them have the strongest, most special bond. 

Alexia is very girly. She loves sparkly shoes, hair stuff & makeup  she is constantly trying to grow up and act older than her age and I am always trying to find the perfect balance for her.  One of our favorite things to do is hold hands while I drive. She sits in the front and I hold her hand.  There's just something super special about it.   <3

Austen Jay -  My 1st born son- Austen is in 2nd grade. He is truly my best friend too. Out of all of my kids he is the one I fight with the most and I think it's  because we are a lot alike. He is very stubborn and not afraid to speak his mind.  His emotions get the best of him sometimes too. He is definitely my most emotional child.  He also has one of the biggest hearts too. He gets mad when his sisters get in trouble and he yells at me if I upset them. It's super cute. 

My favorite thing to do with him is play video games. I look forward to it every night after he gets home from school.  We play Call of Duty (Zombies) and tear that game up!! Lol My son and I have a very special bond. From the second I he was born he's very in tuned with my emotions. When I am upset he just knows. When he was younger he'd stick close by me until I felt better, nowadays he comes and hugs me until it's all better.  <3

Alyssa Mae - My 3rd born -  Alyssa is in 1st grade & by far the sweetest girl ever born. She is my little peace keeper.  Even if one of her siblings get in trouble because they were being mean to her, she'll always come to me and ask if they can get out of timeout. Lol She's super cute. Alyssa is my in between child, she's not a tomboy but she's not a girly girl either. She can looks beautiful in a skirt and rock a hat backwards.  She can pretty much pull off any look and look beautiful. 

My favorite things to do with Alyssa is do her hair and nails. She has the most beautiful long hair. I love to curl up next to this girl and laugh our butts off watching movies, or just snuggle and fall asleep. Alyssa has tons of friends at school too. She's the sweet one that befriends everyone. If someone is left out Alyssa will be the first one to make them feel included. She has just as many guy friends and she does girl friends.  She's just friends with everyone. <3

Aspen Jean Marie - My 4th born - Aspen is almost in Kindergarten. She is spunky and has tons of personality. Aspen is very sensitive too.  Her little feelings get hurt so easily and hers tears fall just as fast but she's a tough girl. Aspen and I spend more time together than the rest of my kids because she doesn't have school and her favorite thing to do is snuggle up to mommy during the day and watch movies or snuggle at night and go to sleep next to mommy.  This child will probably still be sleeping in my bed when she's 30 and I am totally okay with that. :) Aspen is just like me, she has no filter and says it how she sees it. I love this about her. You never have to wonder how she's feeling or what she's thinking because she always let you know. Out of all of my kids Aspen is the biggest mommy/daddy girl. When she was a baby she didn't like anyone but her dad and I and even now she has a complete meltdown if I run an errand without her. She's my little buddy. <3

Aydn Scott - My 5th & last -  Aydn is a little character for sure. He is almost 2 and I can describe him in two words: Ball & Alexia. This kid ALWAYS has a ball in his hand. He has an amazing arm on him for being so little too! I always joke he's going to play pro ball and buy his mommy a mansion. :) He is very independent and has an invisible bubble that surrounds him. If you invade his bubble or take away his independence you will have the wrath of Aydn on your hands. He has never really acted like a baby. Since the day he was born he's been on the go, and very advanced for his age, but there's no surprise there, he is the youngest of 5 kids after all. The only other thing Aydn really cares about is his big sister Alexia. She is his entire world. He cries when she goes to school and will wait by the window saying "Lexi" every few seconds when he knows she's getting out of school. <3

I am truly one of the luckiest mothers alive! <3

Change

Change is hard. I've never been good at change, even if it's for the better, even if it makes my life easier, I've never handled change very well.

I know life is always changing, people are always evolving but I wish things could stay the same. I know you're never really standing still, you're either moving forwards or backwards, and I have no interest in moving backwards anymore. So change it is.

Moving back to Salt Lake has been wonderful. I finally have full time help with my 5 kids. I feel like I have less stress which in return makes me a better mother because I'm not stressed out all the time. I think my kids are happier. They have more room, friends to play with and because I'm happier it makes them happier.

I'm excited because I get to go back to school! I get to finally check some things off my to do list that I haven't been able to do before. �� I'm so grateful and excited to have been given this opportunity and chance that I have.

Given all of these amazing things that are happening in my life, and all this burden that has been lifted I find it puzzling that I keep getting really sad. Change is hard though and it's going to take some time to adjust.

I've adjusted well and pretty fast to living where I am. I've known Nicole since we were in 2-3 grade and have been best friends ever since. It feels natural staying here. It feels like home.

I find myself missing some friends in Provo. I miss hanging out with my wifey everyday. I miss the lady at Walgreens. Lol I know I just moved from one county to the next but it feels like I'm starting over, which in a way I guess I am.

Change has always been hard for me because the fear of the unknown is overwhelming to me. Even though so many of my burdens are lifted currently I have new ones. I have to finish school, find daycare & eventually a job.

Daycare for my children is heavy for me. I don't trust many people with me kids, let alone leave them with many people. Finding the perfect sitter is very important to me. I can't do my job while I'm away if I'm worried about them.

I wish I could count on the father's to help out more and be more involved but I am not in denial anymore about the truth. It's a heavy burden knowing these 5 children's lives rest solely on me. Every decision I make effects them and that's a lot to carry around. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to carry it all.

I know this change needs to happen. I know I can no longer live the way I have been. Being alive but not really living, breathing but being numb to the world because it's how I've coped with so much heartbreak and disappointment over the years.

Although some judge me and put blame on me when it due elsewhere I am making this change because I deserve happiness. I have been a great mother for 10 years and it's time I think about Jamie a little too. Being a mother isn't my only identity, even though it's my most meaningful one.

No one will ever know the struggles I've been through. The tears I've cried and the amount of times I've been broken down to my very core but built myself back up and stayed strong. No one will ever know what I've dealt with,  what I've seen, what I've felt.

I've been told that I, over the years have made my fair mistakes with my kids and have hurt them. To this accusation I say: You are right. I have fought really hard to keep my family together and in doing so they were many fights that got out of control, many words that were spoken out of love, & out of fear of losing my family. I have fought so damn hard. I fought until I gave every part of me, heart, body,  mind and soul leaving only what I had left to give to my kids. I gave everything.

I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be but if I have hurt my kids it was trying to keep my family together. It's not an excuse and it doesn't make it right but that's not the same as making broken promises to them. It's not the same as choosing my friends or drugs over them. There are many ways my kids have been hurt over the years by people but if I hurt them. It was for love.

I have been so focused on being mommy. On us. On our family. On saving my family that I haven't had enough time or energy to focus on Jamie. Luckily with this new change I get to focus on me. I get to finally tackle my dental work that I haven't been able to previously because all my money went to supporting and providing for my family. I finally get to go back to school that I wasn't able to do before because I was working so much and never seeing my kids there was just no way I could of fit school it and had enough time or money to do so.

Change is hard and it's been an adjustment. Especially with so much drama going on around me but I know it's for the best. I know that even in moments like now when I'm feeling a little lost, and a little sad that I deserve happiness and that I have done as much as I could. I fought as hard as I possible could.

Change is hard. Letting go is even harder. ❤

Moving day

Recently I have made the decision to move back to Salt Lake. I have been on cloud nine for the last few weeks. I am really excited to be closer to my family & friends.

I have lived in my current location for almost three years. In these last three years I have made a lot of memories & new friends along the way. Living in Provo has been mostly good, a lot of growing experiences.

As moving day fastly approaches I have been preparing my house & children for the move. Today I packed up the kitchen and the sight of my empty kitchen brought sadness & panic over my body.
I've never been good with change.

I'm excited about moving but I will miss some people in Utah County. This house may be tiny and my family may have outgrown it but.....it's our home.

I find myself being sad at little things. Like when I went shopping at the Walgreens by my house I got sad because I've gotten to know the cashier there.....and my kids Dr.....and my kids school. My kids have gone to the same school for three years.

I didn't expect all these emotions to creep up on me. It's harder to move then I thought it would be. I've made a little life for me & mine and it'll be hard to leave all these people and memories we've made along the way.

I believe you're never standing still....either you're going forward or going backwards. It's time to keep moving forward.  So here's to the next big, great thing that's coming into our lives. (: