Change

Change is hard. I've never been good at change, even if it's for the better, even if it makes my life easier, I've never handled change very well.

I know life is always changing, people are always evolving but I wish things could stay the same. I know you're never really standing still, you're either moving forwards or backwards, and I have no interest in moving backwards anymore. So change it is.

Moving back to Salt Lake has been wonderful. I finally have full time help with my 5 kids. I feel like I have less stress which in return makes me a better mother because I'm not stressed out all the time. I think my kids are happier. They have more room, friends to play with and because I'm happier it makes them happier.

I'm excited because I get to go back to school! I get to finally check some things off my to do list that I haven't been able to do before. �� I'm so grateful and excited to have been given this opportunity and chance that I have.

Given all of these amazing things that are happening in my life, and all this burden that has been lifted I find it puzzling that I keep getting really sad. Change is hard though and it's going to take some time to adjust.

I've adjusted well and pretty fast to living where I am. I've known Nicole since we were in 2-3 grade and have been best friends ever since. It feels natural staying here. It feels like home.

I find myself missing some friends in Provo. I miss hanging out with my wifey everyday. I miss the lady at Walgreens. Lol I know I just moved from one county to the next but it feels like I'm starting over, which in a way I guess I am.

Change has always been hard for me because the fear of the unknown is overwhelming to me. Even though so many of my burdens are lifted currently I have new ones. I have to finish school, find daycare & eventually a job.

Daycare for my children is heavy for me. I don't trust many people with me kids, let alone leave them with many people. Finding the perfect sitter is very important to me. I can't do my job while I'm away if I'm worried about them.

I wish I could count on the father's to help out more and be more involved but I am not in denial anymore about the truth. It's a heavy burden knowing these 5 children's lives rest solely on me. Every decision I make effects them and that's a lot to carry around. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to carry it all.

I know this change needs to happen. I know I can no longer live the way I have been. Being alive but not really living, breathing but being numb to the world because it's how I've coped with so much heartbreak and disappointment over the years.

Although some judge me and put blame on me when it due elsewhere I am making this change because I deserve happiness. I have been a great mother for 10 years and it's time I think about Jamie a little too. Being a mother isn't my only identity, even though it's my most meaningful one.

No one will ever know the struggles I've been through. The tears I've cried and the amount of times I've been broken down to my very core but built myself back up and stayed strong. No one will ever know what I've dealt with,  what I've seen, what I've felt.

I've been told that I, over the years have made my fair mistakes with my kids and have hurt them. To this accusation I say: You are right. I have fought really hard to keep my family together and in doing so they were many fights that got out of control, many words that were spoken out of love, & out of fear of losing my family. I have fought so damn hard. I fought until I gave every part of me, heart, body,  mind and soul leaving only what I had left to give to my kids. I gave everything.

I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be but if I have hurt my kids it was trying to keep my family together. It's not an excuse and it doesn't make it right but that's not the same as making broken promises to them. It's not the same as choosing my friends or drugs over them. There are many ways my kids have been hurt over the years by people but if I hurt them. It was for love.

I have been so focused on being mommy. On us. On our family. On saving my family that I haven't had enough time or energy to focus on Jamie. Luckily with this new change I get to focus on me. I get to finally tackle my dental work that I haven't been able to previously because all my money went to supporting and providing for my family. I finally get to go back to school that I wasn't able to do before because I was working so much and never seeing my kids there was just no way I could of fit school it and had enough time or money to do so.

Change is hard and it's been an adjustment. Especially with so much drama going on around me but I know it's for the best. I know that even in moments like now when I'm feeling a little lost, and a little sad that I deserve happiness and that I have done as much as I could. I fought as hard as I possible could.

Change is hard. Letting go is even harder. ❤