Learning to love again...

Just tell me what to do

I'll fall right into you

Going under cast a spell just say the word

I feel your love....

Boom Clap...The sound of my heart

The beat goes on and on and on and on and

Boom Clap...You make me feel good

Come on to me come on to me now.

Smiling :)

I smile because I am in my own place, with all my children.

I smile because I have a wonderful job, making more money then I need. 

I smile because my children are happy & healthy. 

I smile because I have a great relationship with 3 children, that aren't biologically mine.

I smile because I am crossing things off my to-do list (finally)

I smile because I have the most awesome, loving, supportive family. 

I smile because I have the most loyal, ride-or-die. goofy friends.

I smile because I have found peace.

I smile because I have found happiness.

I smile because I have earned the right too.

I have done the work.

I have been broken down to my very core, 

but I am stronger then ever, and happy. 

I make no apologies for smiling, I have cried enough.

I have earned the right to be happy, and smile. 

I love you enough to let go...

No more tears, no more fighting. No more angry words spoken, no more heart's broken. I love you enough, I love ME enough to let go. Some people are meant to be in our heart's, but not necessarily in our lives.

Offer to help ladies....

OMG! Sometimes juggling work, school, daycare and all other life responsibilities can be very overwhelming!!

I dropped my kids off to daycare at 7:10, was to work by 7:30, out of work by 4:30, to my kids at 4:47, to the Dr's for Alexia's ear infection by 5:00, back home (after hitting the pharmacy) by 7:00, dinner ate by 8:00, homework, 30 minutes of reading, spelling words, papers that needed to be signed done by 9:00, kids bathed and in bed by 9:30. Now I am finally sitting down, enjoying a nightcap and a short movie before I head to bed and do it all over again tomorrow. Lol

There was a moment while we were at the Dr's/Pharmacy where I truly thought I was going to lose it. Aydn was being a typical 2 year old and Austen (8) was doing everything in his power to push me over the edge. Nothing I was doing was making me win. I couldn't bribe them, threaten them, plead with them, ask them.....they were just determined to make sure those 2 hours were unbearable.

 It made me think about all the other times I saw a very overwhelmed mother, juggling her daily responsibilities and her crazy kids, who at that moment, I was grateful weren't mine. We've all been there...we've seen the mother in the store with the screaming toddler and think to ourselves "It was my turn last time, it's yours this time." We send a sympathetic smile or stare on in horror, sometimes we even pass judgement. We judge her parenting, her children's behavior, and wonder why she can't control her rug rats.

I think us as mothers, women, sisters, we need to stop passing judgement and offer help. I was so close to losing my mind today and I prayed for all the judgmental people to stop judging and for just one of them to offer a little help, They could see I was tired, they could see my son's weren't cooperating, they saw me comforting my sick daughter, but none of them even offered to see if there was anything they could do. Nothing. They just watched on, judging, feeling sorry for me, and I'm sure judging my parenting, or even wondering why I had so many kids to begin with,

I'm not saying I think it's our jobs to help watch another woman's children or jump and be the hero to every woman with a stroller even. I am saying that when you see that mother, the one that has the screaming baby, uncontrollable toddler, and that look in her eye....the look that says "Any second I am either going to give up and run out of here, or fall to the ground crying" we offer help.

Raising children is the hardest job anyone will ever sign up for, and sometimes we need a little support, even if it's from a complete stranger. I remember the one time I was at the store and my kids were acting out and my newborn was screaming, this old lady walked over and offered to hold my baby while I tended to my other children. I normally wouldn't have said yes but I was desperate. I will never forget that woman, she didn't judge, she saw that look in my eyes and decided to help.

Also, we need to stop pretending to be the "perfect" mother, with our "perfect" children and actually accept help when we really need it. We are only human and sometimes even letting another woman hold your screaming infant can mean the world, and help so much.

I believe.

This is by far one of my favorite sayings. It underlines the entire history of my love life. You can't lose what you never had......you can't lose true love, if it never truly was true love. You can't lose your soul mate, your lover, your best friend, if they were never actually those things. People can be deceiving and make you believe they feel one way, while acting completely different when you're not around. 

You can't keep what's not yours.....this one kind of speaks for itself. If he/she was in another relationship, married, or their heart belonged to someone else, well they were never yours to begin with. They may say they'll leave their husband/wife for you, say they're over their ex....but actions always speak louder then words. 

You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to stay....again, it's simple. You can let go and hope they come back, you can hold onto faith and believe in something bigger then you, but you can't make someone stay if they don't want too.

I've learned this the hard way, 3 or 4 times over now. You'd think by now I'd get it. You'd think by now I'd see the warning signs, see the patterns and run the other direction but I am one of those people who believe in true love. I believe in something bigger then me. I believe in faith, and destiny. I believe that I will find my happily ever after and my soul mate. I believe. 

Raising a boy is hard work.

There's a big debate out there on whether it's easier to raise a boy, or raise a girl. Although there are many things that make raising a boy easier, my vote is on the side of the girls.

As everyone knows I have 3 amazing little girls, and 2 amazing little boys. My oldest daughter will be 10 next month, and my youngest son just turned 2 yesterday. Here's a list of why I believe it's easier to raise a girl, then raise a boy....

Boys

• Boys are much more active, they love to wrestle and rough house. 
• Boys are messier, they don't mind having dirt under their finger nails, or not showering for a week.
• While girls are emotional, boys (at least mine) have more attitude and tend to throw more fits.
• Their fits are bigger, and last longer.
• Giving them chocolate and a hug, doesn't seem to work the same as it does for a girl.
• They are addicted to electronics and don't know what to do if they are not watching TV, or playing a video game.

Girls

• While boys are super active and love to wrestle, girls can be content quietly playing with their barbies.
• While boys don't mind being messy, girls are "girly girls" and have to make sure their hair is perfectly brushed, and their outfits match just right.
• Yes, girls are super emotional but giving them a hug & chocolate can solve most problems.
• Their fits are quick and sometimes just need a little pep talk to get things back on track.
• They don't need electronics to stay entertained, they can play dress up, house, barbies, school etc etc etc. 

I am constantly at war with my 8 year old son. He is my best friend, the love of my life, but he loves to battle me every second, of every day. If he is not in front of the TV, or playing a video game, he is unbearable to be around. He constantly stomps around the house complaining if I ever ask him to lift a finger, and his tantrums are out of this world. I have sat down with him many many times, ask him what's wrong, we talk, we hug, but 5 minutes later he is back at it again. I love all my children equally, but I have to wonder how much easier (and boring) my life would be if I was given 5 girls. It makes me nervous knowing how my 8 year old gives me a run for my money, what my 2 year old son has in store for me later on. Maybe it's karma? I was a huge shit for my parents, and always tested their limits, and pushed them to their breaking points. People say you always get one just like you, maybe that's the case. All I do know is that I love my son, he drives me crazy 99.9% of the time, but in those moments I have to just remind myself to hug him and let him know just how much I love him, even if he's doing everything in his power to drive me crazy.

They always leave.....

Why am I attracted to unavailable men? The first time it was drugs, the next was his friends, the next drugs, and the next.....well, let's just say I have a pattern of being attracted to unavailable men.

My parents have been married for almost 30 years. I didn't come from a broken home, I wasn't brought up around drugs/alcohol. My parents never fought (that I can remember at least) and my childhood was damn near perfect.

This is going to be a short blog. I just don't understand why I'm attracted to unavailable men when I was taught, shown, and raised around happy, stable, normal functioning relationships. 

Life lessons.

I always swear I am going to keep up with my blog, and then I completely forget - the joys of being a scattered brain mommy of 5! :)

This year has brought me many ups and many downs. I have been pushed to my limit and broken down to my core. I have also been so beyond happy, I never thought I'd come back down from the happiness high.
I've learned the hard way that  no matter how old you get, you never stop learning life lessons. I was wrong when I assumed that because I am now an adult, all the drama in my life was behind me....

I've learned to stand on my own, and not need anyone in my life to bring me happiness. I found my own happiness within myself. I've learned that some people are meant to be in my heart - not necessarily in my life. I've learned that friendships aren't always two-sided, and no amount of time means my friendships will stay intact. I've learned it's okay to accept help, okay to tell people when I've hit my limit, and just what my limit is. I've found myself living without people I never thought I could live without, and living with people in my life, that in a million years I never thought would be so important to me. I've learned how to be selfish and not allow people to just take and take from me. I've learned that time heals old wounds, but I will never forget what caused them. I've learned that time doesn't stop, people change, and time moves people in different directions, and I've learned to be okay with that....

I've never been comfortable with change. My parents are selling my second childhood home, the only home my children remember, and it's been hard for me to come to terms with it. It's hard to except that my parents keep going older, and in a few years will retire and move a few hours away from me. I rely on my family's love and support for most everything I do. My circle of people around me is what has always kept me from falling down, they always pull me back up. It's an interesting journey learning to stand more on my own, and be my own strength. I will always need my family's love and support, but I am learning to be strong on my own too.

It's hard to say goodbye to a friend who once was like a sister to me. It's even harder to find out that she meant waaaay more to me, then I ever did to her. As much as it pains me, I have chosen to forgive her so I can move on with my life. I will never forget how cold she was, the terrible things she said, or even the look in her eyes that last time I spoke to her. I kept looking in her eyes searching for the girl I grew to call my sister. I saw nothing, I lost her a long time ago and it took all these events to make me realize this. I will never forget the awesome memories we had growing up, she made my childhood complete, as I did hers. It's so weird to me because I know she's out there living her life, but it feels like she died. My once fun, devoted, amazing best friend is now replaced with this cold, mean shell of a person. I truly hope she gets the help she so desperately needs to become a whole person again, let go of her anger and learn to love people the way they deserve. Goodbye my friend, I will treasure our memories, but never think of you again.

The hardest lesson I've learned this year (so far, we still have 4 months to go) has been learning to let go and let things naturally happen. I am some what of a control freak and like to be one step ahead of life. I am learning that it's okay to just worry about things when they happen. I am learning to let go of things that have been weighing me down and preventing me from moving further in my life. I've learned how to say "no" and "enough". Those have been big ones for me.

In learning to stand on my own, I have accomplished a lot of things that have been put on the back burner. I am one subject away from graduating!! I took the test and was EIGHT points away from passing, Ugh! That sucked but I refuse to give up. I have so many hopes and dreams and for the first time, I can actually see them and believe I can achieve them. I have always relied on others for happiness and it's nice to create my own happiness. I truly believe that all these steps I am taking is leading me in a new, better direction. I refuse to be stuck anymore, refuse to settle in life. I am shooting for the moon and stars these days! :)

I am so happy, and I haven't been able to say that in a long time. I am in the drivers seat in my own life and enjoying the ride!

-Jamie Lynn <3