Life just isn't fair.

I generally don't write anything unless I am happy or sad. I wanted to write down how I am feeling and after sitting here for a few minutes I realized the nothing that was on my paper, described exactly how I am feeling.

Life is unfair. I feel like I am sitting in a chair being spun around. My whole life, all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother. That's it. I wanted to be married to a man who would give me quality time. That's all. I wanted a big family, with lots of kids.

I have been through a lot of shit. I know many others have been through a lot more and a lot worse but coming from parents who are celebrating 30 years of marriage and gave me a beautiful childhood- my adulthood has (excuse my language) fucking sucked!!

I got married too young, to the wrong person, had two babies and then got with another wrong guy, had three more babies and my self esteem and self worth went out the door. For years, I was this pathetic mess who used going out with my friends and work as an escape from my life. I chose my ex over my children's well-being and happiness for years. I hate myself for that. I hate they witnessed and had to endure through all our bullshit. I hate that he has nothing to do with them now that we aren't together.

I hate that my ex-husband chose to use drugs for many years and abandoned his two children. No one will truly understand what I went through. For years, these two men dropped the ball and my father had to come in and save us. Without my father, I have no idea what would of happened to my children and I.

I hate that my current husband has to help clean up my financial messes. I feel like a failure. I am strong in many areas, which is why he married me, but in that area I have failed miserably.

I hate that I haven't been able to pursue any of my dreams because I was the mother and the father for so long. I put my life on hold for my children. My credit has suffered so badly, for my children and I, because their father's failed.

I hate the way I have parented my children. I was so overwhelmed so many times and it was either ignore the bad behavior and turn on a movie, or freak out and do something stupid. I hate that now that I am with a good father, he's having to re-train my children. So much responsibly has fallen on my husband.

I hate ex's. Period. Whether they are mine, or my husband's. It's O-V-E-R. Move on. Leave us alone. I am so close to dropping my nice personality and picking up my bitch personality and taking things into my own hands. Enough is enough.

More than anything though. I hate, I mean hate that my step daughter died. A part of her father died when she did. I miss her sweet face, her random texts she'd send me, and laughing at how silly she was. She thanked me a few times for the way I loved her father. She thanked me for allowing them their "Daddy-daughter dates." She loved the way we are, how cuddly we are. A few times, she'd see our pictures, or the way we'd act and say "Relationship goals." It made me happy to be able to show her how a relationship should be. Not the fighting, and mind games she was used to seeing. I wanted to show her, and her brothers how love is supposed to be.

Two weeks before Victoria died, I printed off a bunch of pictures of her and my children, put them in frames and put them around the house. I wanted her to feel included. I wanted her to know that just because her father married someone with kids, that she still mattered. Two days before she died, she came over and saw them. She smiled and told me how much it meant to her. It's a memory I will never forget. I am so grateful I took so many pictures of her and my children together. So grateful. Those pictures are priceless now.

I have so many questions. So much anger. I hate my husband's ex wives. What selfish bitches!!!!!! One, who only cares about money,  and the other who uses his daughter's death as a chance to try and get him back. Not only does she try to use his weakness against him, she decided to again be a "mother" to a child who she hadn't seen in months. What women these two are. Wow. My husband isn't perfect, and trust me I know there is two sides to every story but still. He's a great man, with a great big heart and I hate these two women who have turned him into a mean, cold person at times. I hate that I have to pay for their fucked up behavior. He is completely worth it and I will continue to show him true love and continue to unconditionally love him. I NEVER use his weaknesses against him. Never!

 I feel.....nothing but everything at the same time.

What. A. Fucking. Mess.

I am just angry at life. All I wanted, was to be a mother and be a wife. I didn't want all this extra bullshit. I tried to have a family with two different men, both blew up in my face for different reasons. I just wanted to love and be loved. I am having a hard time seeing the silver lining right now. Yes, I have 5 beautiful, happy, healthy children but most days I am beyond exhausted. I barely get in hugs and I feel like they deserve so much more then what I am providing.

I miss my step-daughter. I saw you grow up here and there but I was just getting to know you in the last few months. Life is just not fair. You had so much more to offer the world. Your father was supposed to walk you down the isle at your wedding, not bury you. Life is just not fair.

My children were supposed to have a father. Life is just not fair. They have a wonderful step-father but they are old enough, and remember their biological father. It's just not fair.

I just wanted to love and be loved.

I am truly grateful for my husband. Some people say it's hard to love someone at 2 in the morning when they are a mess crying and their whole world has fallen at their feet. I find his vulnerability beautiful. I am his rock. Always have been. I love that man more then I love myself most of the time. I will fight for his happiness and his peace.

I love without expectations. I love because it's who I am and I love to make other's feel loved.

An Ode To My Step-Daughter

This is going to be the most difficult blog I have ever written...

Sweet Victoria, life is not fair. You were taken from us at such a young age. It's not fair. You had so much more to offer this world. I keep searching for answers as to why. Why you? It haunts me that 30 minutes after you replied to my text, you were gone. I often think about what I could have done to prevent this. I wish you would have came trick-or-treating with your father, the kids, and I.

Life is just not fair. I will miss your loud ass laugh that always filled up every room. I will miss you screaming "You're not my dad" out the window to random strangers. I will miss how you got me. You just did. You could walk into a room and read my emotions and mood like no one else could. I will miss the way you loved my children and called them your siblings. You had such a loving heart. I will miss going to your games and the whole family cheering you on. I know how much that meant to you.

I am grateful your father and I got to see you the night before. I am grateful he got to hug you and the last words you two ever spoke to one another was "I love you". I don't really have much of a silver lining here. It sucks you are no longer here. If I could trade you places and take away your fathers pain, I would.

I made you a promise. I promised to take care of your father and always love him the way I do. I remember you telling me that you know he can be difficult but to love him anyways. You know he can be moody, but to love him anyways. I know you are gone but I will honor my promise the same. Your father always wanted to show you a loving relationship. Thank you for pushing him towards me and telling him to be happy. I remember when you told me you've never seen him as happy as he was before you died. You don't ever remember him just cuddling on the couch or holding anyone's hand, the way we do. I remember you telling me I was good for him, my family was good for him, and that he needed to see normal because all he's known is dysfunction and fighting.

I will honor my promise to you. I will love him unconditionally. I can feel your presence. I know you are proud of him. He's doing amazing things in your name. He's chosen to rise and be a leader even in the face of udder distraught and pain. Your father is a fighter. He's a lot stronger then he gives himself credit for.

I am grateful for the night we got to spend alone and talk about the world and our feelings. I am grateful we got to laugh together until our sides hurt. I am grateful we hugged as we both cried. I am grateful we were able to connect that night and be there for each other. I am grateful I was able to print off pictures of you and put them around our house and you saw them. I always wanted you to feel welcomed and loved. It made my heart happy when you told me how much it meant.

I knew you since you were a little girl but I was just getting to really know you. I am sad I will never get that chance. The one thing I am certain about you, is that you wanted your father to be happy, to be loved. I will make sure you can rest easy knowing he is both. I truly believed you pushed him towards me for a reason. I think you knew he needed me too.

Thank you for coming into my life and changing it forever. Your passing opened my eyes and made me look at life in a whole new way. Little things that used to bug me, now don't matter. I used to fear death, now I fear not truly living while I am alive. The only thing that matters to me anymore is family, love, and living life. Thank you for being such a beautiful person and inspiring me.

Rest in paradise Princess. I hope you are at the beach, loving the ocean. I hope you are visiting amazing places and inspiring new people. I hope you can feel the love your family, friends, and whole community has for you. You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

Catching up....

I have not posted a blog in quite some time. I think it's time I write something down.

These past few months have been such a roller coaster. I marred the love of my life. Crazy right? After all these blogs, all the ups and downs, he and I finally took the big leap and got married. We are going on 3 1/2 months. It's crazy how time is just flying by.

A few weeks after my husband and I got married, he took me to my first NFL game. It was the most exciting and amazing thing I've ever experienced. It was his team (the 49ers) against my team (the Bronco's) and of course, my team won. Regardless, it was so much fun to get away, be kid free for a few nights and just enjoy his company. I love that man so much. Love isn't even a strong enough word.

We took all the kids and went camping. It was a fun little family experience. I've always wanted a big family with lots of kids, noise, and laughter. I am so happy I have my big family. Each child enriches our lives and has their own little cute personality. I truly feel honored to be able to watch all these kids grow and flourish. I am grateful I get to be apart of their lives.

There's been get together s, family BBQ'S, birthdays, and a lot of family time. Who would have guessed a man could come in and tame this wild girls crazy ways? I find security in being domestic. I find pride in taking care of my husband. I enjoy just being a mom and a wife- because after all, it's all I've ever truly wanted. I just wanted to be someone's wife, and someone's mommy.

I am truly grateful for my life and the people that I have in it. It's crazy at times, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. There is so much love. People are what matter. Love matters. It's the little things in life that truly count.