Life just isn't fair.

I generally don't write anything unless I am happy or sad. I wanted to write down how I am feeling and after sitting here for a few minutes I realized the nothing that was on my paper, described exactly how I am feeling.

Life is unfair. I feel like I am sitting in a chair being spun around. My whole life, all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother. That's it. I wanted to be married to a man who would give me quality time. That's all. I wanted a big family, with lots of kids.

I have been through a lot of shit. I know many others have been through a lot more and a lot worse but coming from parents who are celebrating 30 years of marriage and gave me a beautiful childhood- my adulthood has (excuse my language) fucking sucked!!

I got married too young, to the wrong person, had two babies and then got with another wrong guy, had three more babies and my self esteem and self worth went out the door. For years, I was this pathetic mess who used going out with my friends and work as an escape from my life. I chose my ex over my children's well-being and happiness for years. I hate myself for that. I hate they witnessed and had to endure through all our bullshit. I hate that he has nothing to do with them now that we aren't together.

I hate that my ex-husband chose to use drugs for many years and abandoned his two children. No one will truly understand what I went through. For years, these two men dropped the ball and my father had to come in and save us. Without my father, I have no idea what would of happened to my children and I.

I hate that my current husband has to help clean up my financial messes. I feel like a failure. I am strong in many areas, which is why he married me, but in that area I have failed miserably.

I hate that I haven't been able to pursue any of my dreams because I was the mother and the father for so long. I put my life on hold for my children. My credit has suffered so badly, for my children and I, because their father's failed.

I hate the way I have parented my children. I was so overwhelmed so many times and it was either ignore the bad behavior and turn on a movie, or freak out and do something stupid. I hate that now that I am with a good father, he's having to re-train my children. So much responsibly has fallen on my husband.

I hate ex's. Period. Whether they are mine, or my husband's. It's O-V-E-R. Move on. Leave us alone. I am so close to dropping my nice personality and picking up my bitch personality and taking things into my own hands. Enough is enough.

More than anything though. I hate, I mean hate that my step daughter died. A part of her father died when she did. I miss her sweet face, her random texts she'd send me, and laughing at how silly she was. She thanked me a few times for the way I loved her father. She thanked me for allowing them their "Daddy-daughter dates." She loved the way we are, how cuddly we are. A few times, she'd see our pictures, or the way we'd act and say "Relationship goals." It made me happy to be able to show her how a relationship should be. Not the fighting, and mind games she was used to seeing. I wanted to show her, and her brothers how love is supposed to be.

Two weeks before Victoria died, I printed off a bunch of pictures of her and my children, put them in frames and put them around the house. I wanted her to feel included. I wanted her to know that just because her father married someone with kids, that she still mattered. Two days before she died, she came over and saw them. She smiled and told me how much it meant to her. It's a memory I will never forget. I am so grateful I took so many pictures of her and my children together. So grateful. Those pictures are priceless now.

I have so many questions. So much anger. I hate my husband's ex wives. What selfish bitches!!!!!! One, who only cares about money,  and the other who uses his daughter's death as a chance to try and get him back. Not only does she try to use his weakness against him, she decided to again be a "mother" to a child who she hadn't seen in months. What women these two are. Wow. My husband isn't perfect, and trust me I know there is two sides to every story but still. He's a great man, with a great big heart and I hate these two women who have turned him into a mean, cold person at times. I hate that I have to pay for their fucked up behavior. He is completely worth it and I will continue to show him true love and continue to unconditionally love him. I NEVER use his weaknesses against him. Never!

 I feel.....nothing but everything at the same time.

What. A. Fucking. Mess.

I am just angry at life. All I wanted, was to be a mother and be a wife. I didn't want all this extra bullshit. I tried to have a family with two different men, both blew up in my face for different reasons. I just wanted to love and be loved. I am having a hard time seeing the silver lining right now. Yes, I have 5 beautiful, happy, healthy children but most days I am beyond exhausted. I barely get in hugs and I feel like they deserve so much more then what I am providing.

I miss my step-daughter. I saw you grow up here and there but I was just getting to know you in the last few months. Life is just not fair. You had so much more to offer the world. Your father was supposed to walk you down the isle at your wedding, not bury you. Life is just not fair.

My children were supposed to have a father. Life is just not fair. They have a wonderful step-father but they are old enough, and remember their biological father. It's just not fair.

I just wanted to love and be loved.

I am truly grateful for my husband. Some people say it's hard to love someone at 2 in the morning when they are a mess crying and their whole world has fallen at their feet. I find his vulnerability beautiful. I am his rock. Always have been. I love that man more then I love myself most of the time. I will fight for his happiness and his peace.

I love without expectations. I love because it's who I am and I love to make other's feel loved.