Pain

Pain changes you. It just does.

As a child, you believe the world is a beautiful, peaceful place. As a young girl, you dream about your wedding, you plan every tiny detail. You dream about having a baby and starting a family. You fall in love for the first time and everything and all the firsts are magical. You finally get married, start a family, and the dream you had as a young child, finally comes true. As little girls, we watch fairy tales, we get to the "Happily ever after" and the movie ends. No one tells you what happens after. No one tells you how hard parenting is. No one tells you relationships take work and no matter how hard you try, sometimes they fall apart and don't work. No one tells you your husband could chose drugs over his kids and wife. Pain changes people. The first cut, cuts the deepest. You move on, try again, maybe have more kids, maybe you don't. but you move on.

As little girls, we have this idea of what love is, what marriage means. No one tells you the ugly side. No one tells you about infidelity, domestic violence etc. No one warns you as a young mother, that you could lose your child. Pain changes you. Losing a step-daughter has changed my life completely. I am not the same person I was before she died, not one tiny bit. Losing a child, and watching your husband lose a child, is the most devastating and confusing experience ever. It's been almost 8 months and a lot of it is a blur to me now. You try to remember happy memories, you try to process the emotions, make sense of death. But the pain changes you. Once someone hurts you, you love with a lot more caution. You lose a child, you view the world a lot differently. You appreciate the time you have, the people you have, but you realize people die. There is sadness and even evil in this world. You realize love isn't one thing and just because you love someone a certain way, doesn't mean they'll love the same in return.

Pain changes people.

Pain has changed me. As a child, being molested by my Uncle- changed me. I believe it set the tone for the rest of my life. I think it really messed with my head, the way I viewed myself and even love. No child should ever experience that kind of abuse. My ex's who chose drugs over me and our children, that forever changed me. You can forgive but there's really no way to ever forget. There's no way to forget watching your oldest daughter cry for years for her father. There's no way to ever forget being so poor and barely being able to feed your kids or pay your bills because their father took off with everything you owned. Pain changes you. It just does.

I've been through a lot in my life. I know there's many other people who've had it way worse but I get to own my pain. I get to own my feelings and emotions. I get to say that pain has changed me. Losing my step daughter changed me. Watching my husband and his pain and grief, has changed me. The fights and trials he and I have been through, have changed me. Pain changes you,

I have always been a light. I search for love, happiness and family. I forgive quickly because I believe in the good in people. I've been in a lot of pain throughout my life. Some no one wants to acknowledge or take accountability for. I am told to "Get over it" or "Stop acting like a victim." I own my pain. I went through it. I process everything the way I need to. Pain changes you but I refuse to allow it to harden me or change my heart. I am a little more cautious with love but at the same time, I cherish the people in my life more now.

-Jamie Hillman