In the last 5 months, I have kept pretty quiet. I haven't posted much on here, or any other social media about the loss of my step-daughter, Victoria, because I felt it was my job to support my husband. I've been doing some thinking and I think it's also important to express what it's like to support someone who is grieving and in doing so, hopefully I can help someone else going through a loss...
Death changes people. It's changes marriages. It changes everything. The second I found out she had passed, I knew I was in for the fight of my life. In that second, I fell to my knees, screamed, hyperventilated and bawled my eyes out. I called my mother panicking not sure what to do. She told me it was my job to be strong, that my kids and Chris were depending on me to be the strong one. I decided at that moment I was going to give it all I had. It has been so hard at times. This beautiful girl, who I was just really getting to know, just gone. No warning. I had sent her a text about a half an hour before, and that was it. I had never really lost anyone but Grandparents as a child so my first reaction was denial. I called her, I pleaded with God, or whomever was listening for her to pick up. I sent her a message saying "Are you okay?" There was never a reply. I didn't believe it, things like this don't happen to us. It couldn't happen to my family, to someone I loved and cared about. It wasn't until I saw it on the news that I believed it. My sister came over to help me with the kids because I was a mess. I didn't sleep much that night, I cried and cried, until I curled up with Vic's little sis and was able to drift off to sleep. I begged Victoria to give me the strength and guidance to help her family get through this. I had no idea what I was in for. I had no idea what it was going to be like to support someone/a family through a death. All I knew was one thing....
...I knew I was in for the fight of my life that night and all I could think about was "How am I going to get my husband through this?" He has already lost so much, been through so much hell. My heart was broken not only for Victoria but my husband as well. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and never let go, ever. I wanted to take away all his pain, even if that meant I endured and carried it. I felt helpless not being able to take away his pain. I had to sit and watch the man I loved so dearly suffer. The first few weeks were spent hovering around my husband, terrified of what he would do. During the lowest points, he'd say things out of utter agonizing pain and sadness. I wouldn't allow him to be by himself for more then just a few minutes. One second, I was picking him up off the bathroom floor as he was bawling his eyes out, or holding him as he shook and cried himself to sleep. His pain was indescribable. We have always had a really strong connection to where we feel each others emotions, even when we aren't around each other. His pain made my body ache. I was terrified it would last forever and I'd lose him too. I kept thinking to myself "We just buried his daughter, I can't lose and bury my husband next."
My brand new husband, the man I waited so long for, was hurting in the most cruel and unfair way possible. Just a month and a half before she passed, her and her two brothers attended our wedding, they watched us say our vows and become husband and wife. His two sons signed as witnesses. It was a beautiful, happy day. It meant the world to me. Especially now, it's a day I will forever hold close to my heart. I told Victoria the day we married, that I loved her father soooo much, and I was going to spend the rest of my life making him smile. She replied "I know you love him so much. I am happy he married you." Her approval always meant the world to me.
Loving my husband, supporting him through this impossible time, has never a burden to me. I felt/feel honored to be the one who is able to hold his hand through these last few months. There have trying moments, happy moment, anger moment, and painful moments. A new marriage is suppose to be fun and care free in the first few months, the "Honeymoon stage". We were just getting to know each other as husband and wife. We were just finding out who we were together as "we" and "us". We were just taking our two families and blending together. Our marriage was thrown into a different direction after a month and a half at the passing of his child. Everything changed. I felt helpless. I felt like I was losing everything.
It's been hard, but I have never given up. When he is overwhelmed with grief, anger or sadness, I push him to keep going. I try really hard to keep him from the dark places. I have asked him many many times "How can I help you?" "What can I do to make this a little easier on you?" but besides bringing his daughter back, the most I can do is just be there for him and love him. I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. I am a fixer, and I couldn't fix this. I had to learn that I couldn't take away his pain. I couldn't speed up the process. I couldn't do anything but love and support him.
Everyone knows about the 7 stages of grief:
1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, and loneliness.
5. The upward turn.
6. Reconstruction and working through.
7. Acceptance and hope.
The stages often repeat themselves until the person is ready for the next step and just because they make it to the next step, doesn't mean they won't revisit the previous steps.
It's a vicious cycle. One day, they are happy and the next they can't keep their eyes dry. One day they are happy and optimistic, the next they are pissed off and hate everyone and everything. I would have to say that anger and sadness has been our main obstacles these last few months. It took me a long time to understand and recognize the stages, and see what stage he was currently in. There is no guide book in how to help your husband deal with the loss of his child. I know there are moments I wish I could have done better, been stronger, said and acted different. There are also moments I feel proud at how strong I was, how loving and loyal. I can tell you though, it's really hard to see someone you love so much, so entirely, hurt every single day. It's by far, the hardest thing I have ever been through. I hate watching him hurt. I absolutely hate it.
There were days he didn't sleep and I'd stay up with him and when I was exhausted, I would wake up and try to get him to lay back down. He'd lay his head on my shoulder, and I would run my hands through his hair and for a few minutes, I could comfort him. The holidays came and went and he struggled through each one. It broke my heart. One thing most people may or might not know about my husband, is that he's very resilient. There were days he'd drink a lot, and I would get so worried, but then a few days later, he was right back to his goals and dreams and how to honor his daughter. You can never count this man out.
The aftermath of her loss has impacted our marriage. There's no way it wasn't going too. Normal family and marriage issues fueled by anger and grief can take two normally loving, rational people, and turn it into an explosive argument. I am far from perfect and it broke my heart the few times they happened. I always say though, "With every set back, comes and even greater come back!" I believe every disagreement, big or small, is a learning lesson, a chance to grow. He is my best friend, and I am his. I vowed to love him through sickness and health. I promised to love him unconditionally. There are days he's not perfect, but there's also days I am not either.
It's been hard but beautiful at the same time. There were moments I closed the bathroom door, sat down and bawled, unsure of how to help him next, or if I was even helping him at all. Some days I felt completed defeated, useless and invisible. Some days I felt anger. Anger at how cruel and unfair our world is. Why her? Why this family? Sad days, where I'd remember a moment I had with her, or something funny she said and my heart would break. It's not fair. No matter how you spin it. "She's in a better place" etc It's just not fair and there's not enough time to take away that feeling. She was 14 and had the whole world in front of her. It's not fair. There were also selfish moments, where I missed the man I married and wished just for a day, he'd be able to smile at me the way he was able to before she passed. I was missing him terribly, missing us. I felt insecure, my whole life was spinning.
The truth is, a part of my husband died when his daughter did, but also, a new part of him was born.
My husband has many dreams he's working on. He's always wanted to be a boxer but never pursued it because he chose to have a family and now he's building a ranch and dedicating it to his daughter. He may have been knocked to his knees but the man that got back up is strong, motivated, and resilient. The way he's helped her friends and other cope is beautiful. In return, it's helped him heal and cope as well. I know Victoria would be proud of her father. I know, in spirit, she's rooting him on and giving him the push he needs to be strong.
Death is hard on everyone. It affects every part of your life. If I could give any advice to anyone going through the same kind of loss, it would be to be patient, be kind, understand that it's not going to get better overnight, or even in a few months. Grief has it's own timeline and pace. Give the person you are supporting love, give them reasons to go on and get out of bed in the morning. Realize the 7 stages and help them through each stage. If they start using unhealthy ways to cope, love them back into the right direction. Never give up on them. Love them unconditionally.
On a closing note, I want to again say how grateful I am to have had many heart to hearts with Victoria before she passed. She told me all about her family, her father and how to handle certain situations. She armed and educated me on everything she felt I needed to know. She asked me a strange question two days before she died and at the time, I didn't think anything of it. Now I understand why she did. She asked "Promise me, no matter what happens, no matter what happens between you and my dad, promise me you will never give up on him. You love him, you truly love him and he needs you." Some days I feel like I fail her, but I never give up. I will keep my promise. In a strange way, it's like she passed the torch to me. She entrusted me to make sure her father would be okay. I hope I make her proud.
-Jamie Lynn Hillman
Vic took this the day we got married.
08/05/2015
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