Letting go...

I've decided it's time to let go...

I've been carrying around so much anger that isn't mine to burden. I've been putting more weight on my shoulder then was mine to carry.

I can't control the way people choose to live their lives. I can't control the way their minds work, what's a priority to them. I can't control if they choose to see their children or take care of their responsibilities.

All I can do is be the best mother I can be and let be what will be.

I can't control how others view loyalty or friendship. I can't control how a friend may act, or what they may say. I can't make them remember the bond we once shared and how we were basically sister's for 17 years.

All I can do is be the best friend I can possible be, regardless if the other person is deserving of it or not.

I don't like the fact that my children have to feel the pain they feel....I wish I could take it off of their hearts. I don't want them to grow up angry & bitter so I'm letting go of my resentment towards their father.... Only life lessons and time will be able to help them come to terms and move on themselves.

It is not mine to carry around the burden of another person's actions and decision making with them.

Again, all I can do is be the best mother possible and love them unconditionally. 

I'm letting go....of all the pain, the resentment,  the disappointment,  the anger, frustration, sadness, the disgust,  the pity, the shame, the blame and I'm opting to be happy. 

There's so much in this world we are unable to control, but we can control how we allow it to affect our lives and how we treat others. I refuse to spend another second of my life being mad at another person and their actions. They are the ones missing out, and I refuse to miss out on all the wonderful things in life because I'm stuck being mad. I am tired of being stuck.

I never thought in a million years my ex husband wouldn't be involved in my children's life. Never ever would I have guessed a 17 year friendship would go up in flames as if it never meant anything at all....there's so many things I never thought would happen, that did.

If I've learned anything it's that life is cruel, and people change but it doesn't mean I have to let it change me. I believe in love. I believe in friendship. I believe friendship is more then what you have in common, it's CHOOSING to keep a special place in your heart for that person. I believe it's a conscious decision to not let life get in the way, to say regardless of time spent together, things in common, or anything else....you  still mean something to me. Friendship is a two way street, both sides need to make the decision to never give up.

I have been walking around mad for so long I don't know how I did anything else. I thought being mad gave me the power and made me feel better to go off on rants but letting go off it all I've learned...peace. I've never felt more free, more peaceful, more happy.

I believe people have good intentions in the beginning. They see this beautiful little baby girl, want to give her the world....but then life happens and decisions were made that caused people to get lost. People can have the best intentions but are unable to fight their inner demons off long enough to fulfil the promises once made. Promises to always be there and never leave their child fatherless like they were.....promises to always be there, no matter what. Promises....more promises....all broken. So many tears....so much sadness...

Things like these, that I have taken so personal, so to heart, are not my burden. I am a great mother, a great friend, a great person.  I can't control other people's actions but I can control how I allow it to affect mine and my children's life.

So, WE are letting go... and CHOOSING to be happy in the face of sadness. Choosing to be happy and believe in love, and friendship. Choosing to have faith and dream big. Choosing to let go and say, it is what it is and there's nothing we can do about it.

Choosing to say, we love you and are truly sorry you are lost. We hope one day you find your way back but regardless we are going to be happy. It takes more energy to be unhappy and it feels 100 times better to chose to be happy, and actually be happy.

We are letting go....and so should you. Choose to let it all go and be happy. Life is too short, so smile,  love those that treat you right, wish the ones that don't well, and move on.

(:

Numb

Tonight I am feeling all sorts of emotions, so many in fact that I can't name just one that is stronger then another. I am feeling so many different emotions that I feel numb.
Life is a hard pill to swallow. I realized tonight that no matter how much I do in life, for some people it'll never be enough. They'll just keep taking and taking until they suck my very soul out of my body.
I'm doing some really amazing things right now.  I'm checking things off my to-do list that have been neglected for too long. I want nothing more then to move forward, let go of the anger and sadness but life keeps throwing it back in my face.
I came home from school and my 8 year old son asked me "Mom, why does all the kids at my school have a daddy but I don't? " and I haven't been able to shake it off since.
It truly sucks to know that no matter what I accomplish that I will never be able to fill the void of their absence father. Their father that lives 20-30 minutes away and just chooses to not see them, chooses to be a deadbeat.  It makes me sad.

Like a kid who wishes for a puppy on Christmas, all my oldest two want is for their father to give a damn.

My heart hurts for them....
My eyes cry for them....

I am numb.

Friendship

Throughout our lives we meet people that we like, we meet people we love, and if you're really lucky, you meet some who will stick by your side forever.

I have made many great friends over the years, I've said that a few times in previous blogs, but I've only have a tiny handful of friends that I consider my best friends.

Today is one of those days where I look back at my childhood, all those memories, all the times we were there for each other, all the time we cried on each other's shoulders and I just don't understand what's happening.

How can the friend I called crying about being bullied in school, the one who tried so hard to transfer schools just to be with me, and protect me, being acting this way?

The person that when the rest of our friends were too busy, or too cool, we always had each other. The friend that stood next to me, got her faced pushed into lockers, or the grass by the same mean boy.....how could this person now be MY bully?!?!

How could this person, who I considered my sister say the mean, nasty, just awful things she said to me? I just don't understand. I don't understand how all that love we had, all that trust, friendship, sisterhood just turns off and I'm left with this person who looks like my friend, but doesn't act like her.

She use to be fun, and carefree. Now she's uptight and controlling. She use to smile & be happy, but now she's constantly complaining and just miserable. I miss my friend.

How could this person look at me dead in the eyes and say she no longer cares to continue our friendship, for no good reason I add again, like it was easy.

It hurts so much because deep down, I know her heart. I know this isn't really her, I know she doesn't really "hate me" even though she repeatedly said it tonight. I keep searching in her eyes for any sign of my friend, any sign that she's still in there but her eyes are dead.

We've been friends for years. Not once have we ever fought, not once have we ever even got irritated with each other. None of what's happening makes sense, nothing is adding up.

I know things are stressful,  and I know it's all just adding up but I wonder.....is this just who my friend is? Have I not really known my friend all these years?

I feel like I'm going through a death, a breakup and everything else sad and depressing all at the same time. I'm overwhelmed with emotions. So hurt that the person I considered my sister could hurt me in the way she has, angry that she's not being a better friend, and just beyond sad. I miss my friend.

I've gone through things with friends before, but this one cuts differently,  hurts worse. This is someone I've known pretty much my entire life, someone who was with me through my childhood, my teenage stsge, and into adulthood.  I've considered her my sister, my family.

I want to scream "Just stop, don't make this worse!!" Yes, our lives have led us in directions where we don't have a lot in common anymore, and we aren't as close as we use to be.....but is friendship & love measured by the amount of time you spend, and the things you have in common?

I have a best friend that I never see, maybe one every few years, and we have very little in common but that doesn't mean I love her any less, it doesn't mean my loyalty to her dies with distance & time. She is my best friend because she's special to me, and because I choose to keep our bond, regardless of things in common & the amount of time we spend together.

I think it comes down to choosing to keep that bond. Choosing to think of that person in that way, and put them on that pedestal, to say "No matter where our lives take us, you still mean something to me."

This breaks my heart in a way it's never been broken. I am confused and just beyond hurt. I don't know what to think, how to feel, or what my next move is. I don't know if I should keep trying, hope she comes around, or give up and say "It's your loss."

After all the hurtful things she said, I don't know if writing this blog, these thoughts and feelings down is even worth it. The things she said about me, about my children.....those are things you can forget, even if I was able to forgive them.

I don't know. I guess the point is to say I just don't know. I don't know anything.