Friendship

Throughout our lives we meet people that we like, we meet people we love, and if you're really lucky, you meet some who will stick by your side forever.

I have made many great friends over the years, I've said that a few times in previous blogs, but I've only have a tiny handful of friends that I consider my best friends.

Today is one of those days where I look back at my childhood, all those memories, all the times we were there for each other, all the time we cried on each other's shoulders and I just don't understand what's happening.

How can the friend I called crying about being bullied in school, the one who tried so hard to transfer schools just to be with me, and protect me, being acting this way?

The person that when the rest of our friends were too busy, or too cool, we always had each other. The friend that stood next to me, got her faced pushed into lockers, or the grass by the same mean boy.....how could this person now be MY bully?!?!

How could this person, who I considered my sister say the mean, nasty, just awful things she said to me? I just don't understand. I don't understand how all that love we had, all that trust, friendship, sisterhood just turns off and I'm left with this person who looks like my friend, but doesn't act like her.

She use to be fun, and carefree. Now she's uptight and controlling. She use to smile & be happy, but now she's constantly complaining and just miserable. I miss my friend.

How could this person look at me dead in the eyes and say she no longer cares to continue our friendship, for no good reason I add again, like it was easy.

It hurts so much because deep down, I know her heart. I know this isn't really her, I know she doesn't really "hate me" even though she repeatedly said it tonight. I keep searching in her eyes for any sign of my friend, any sign that she's still in there but her eyes are dead.

We've been friends for years. Not once have we ever fought, not once have we ever even got irritated with each other. None of what's happening makes sense, nothing is adding up.

I know things are stressful,  and I know it's all just adding up but I wonder.....is this just who my friend is? Have I not really known my friend all these years?

I feel like I'm going through a death, a breakup and everything else sad and depressing all at the same time. I'm overwhelmed with emotions. So hurt that the person I considered my sister could hurt me in the way she has, angry that she's not being a better friend, and just beyond sad. I miss my friend.

I've gone through things with friends before, but this one cuts differently,  hurts worse. This is someone I've known pretty much my entire life, someone who was with me through my childhood, my teenage stsge, and into adulthood.  I've considered her my sister, my family.

I want to scream "Just stop, don't make this worse!!" Yes, our lives have led us in directions where we don't have a lot in common anymore, and we aren't as close as we use to be.....but is friendship & love measured by the amount of time you spend, and the things you have in common?

I have a best friend that I never see, maybe one every few years, and we have very little in common but that doesn't mean I love her any less, it doesn't mean my loyalty to her dies with distance & time. She is my best friend because she's special to me, and because I choose to keep our bond, regardless of things in common & the amount of time we spend together.

I think it comes down to choosing to keep that bond. Choosing to think of that person in that way, and put them on that pedestal, to say "No matter where our lives take us, you still mean something to me."

This breaks my heart in a way it's never been broken. I am confused and just beyond hurt. I don't know what to think, how to feel, or what my next move is. I don't know if I should keep trying, hope she comes around, or give up and say "It's your loss."

After all the hurtful things she said, I don't know if writing this blog, these thoughts and feelings down is even worth it. The things she said about me, about my children.....those are things you can forget, even if I was able to forgive them.

I don't know. I guess the point is to say I just don't know. I don't know anything.