Sisterhood

Throughout life a girl will have many friends. Childhood friends, grade school friends, college friends, work friend, neighborhood friends etc if you're lucky enough, you can find those few that will be there through each new step.

I have a few friends I've known almost my entire life. They've literally been by my side through it all. To them I am forever grateful & so blessed to have friends every step of the way.

As a woman gets older she no longer looks for the quantity in friends, but the quality. I recently found out the hard way that unfortunately,  drama that existed in my teens can still exist in my late twenties.

When a woman gets her heart broken by a man it stings, sometimes you feel as though life may never go on & you'll never smile again. When a woman gets her heart broken by a trusted friend though?  It's like 100 times worse.

The cut is more deep, the sting more intense, the tears fall harder. I literally feel like I went through a death. At first I was shocked by everything that came into light, then I was so sad & the tears were so intense, I literally felt like my heart was crying, then came the anger....then the numbness. 

And what now? After the words have been spoken, confessions made & apologies said, what then? Do you forgive & forget? Forgive, but don't forget? Or end a friendship? Are there some betrayals that cause too much damage? Are there some cuts that truly cut too deep? Friendship between two women is like a sacred sisterhood, one that not just any woman is invited too...a secret club no man is allowed in.....how could she break our sisterhood?

I'm usually so good & careful at picking my inner circle, the people I let in.....the people I confide in....I lay here and wonder where I went wrong? Where did I let my guard down & allow this to happen? And why did it take everything blowing up in my face before I finally saw the truth? 

I can't remember the last time I had an issue with a female. I can't remember the last time I felt betrayed by a friend. I can't remember the last time so much drama revolved around someone who I considered one of my best friends, one of my sisters.

Tonight,  I am heartbroken. 

That punch me in the stomach-nauseated-panicky feeling......

That feeling.....in the pit of my stomach I get this feeling like someone punched me. I feel nauseated & panicky. For the longest time I couldn't identify this feeling, I just felt it. I felt this every time you told me where you had been, what you had been doing & who you were with. I felt this feeling every time you touched your phone. I felt this feeling every time you walked out of the house. I felt this feeling when you walked back in.....

To love fully you must give all of yourself. Heart, body, mind & soul. You must jump without looking & pray someone catches you. To love, you have to pick your battles, and decide which fights are really worth it. You have to choose your words because once they're spoken, you can't unhear them.

To love fully you have to give up some of your "I's" to gain more of the "we's". You have to give yourself so fully, and give them the power to rip your heart right out of your body.....but pray they love you enough to leave it intact.

For years now I have loved a man with every fiber of my being.....but I've always had that feeling...the punch me in the stomach-nauseated-panicky feeling. I have shared this feeling with this person and my concerns with this feeling, but yet....

How can you keep the one you love, but stop the punch me in the stomach-nauseated-panicky feeling? Is it a packaged deal? Can I not have one without the other? Cant I love him enough to make that feeling go away already???

Where's my Happily Ever After? Haven't I earned that yet? Havent I shown my worthiness?

Dear heart......I hate you.

Being a mother

Being a parent, a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had. It's beautiful in ways that words can't explain, and yes, there are many moments it feels terrible too. It's a 24'7 job. I don't get weekends off, I'm not promised a full night of sleep & some days I don't know how we all make it through....

I had 5 children really fast & close together so sometimes it feels like I have Quints. Just when one kid is done going through a certain stage, the next one starts up. At one point I had THREE kids in diapers. My oldest will be 10 in August, 10! I've made it through 10 years of sleepless night, screaming fits & endless bickering between them. Lol I've always had 10 years of hugs, 10 years of smile & 10 years of "I love you's".

Being a mother I have spent a lot of my time over-thinking every moment. Are they too young for this? Are they ready to experience that? When do I pull them in close? When do I let them gain independence and let them go a little? It's a constant balance. I don't want to hold them too closely to where they rebel but I don't want to let go too early & not have given them enough time to grow.

I have spent many nights crying into a pillow over frustration. Frustration that I am not enough. Frustration that I don't get help from their fathers in the way I'd like, the way I had growing up. Frustration that I am only one person and there's not enough time in a day to give them what I feel they deserve. Frustration over the "Mommy she did this....." and "Mommy ___ did that!" Frustration over balancing work and home. Frustration over being a mother and still finding time to just be Jamie.

There are moments where I truly ask myself if I'm enough for them. I questions if I'm raising them with enough love and attention that they deserve.........

...............They look like 5 very happy, loved kids! <3

Internal struggles....

I have been through many many struggles in the 27 years that I have been alive but it seems most recently I am going through internal struggles. Knowing when to push, pull or just stop all together. It's hard because I know that just one choice can affect my entire family and have long lasting affects.

My most recent internal struggle was over taxes. Legally because I solely support them, I have the right to claim all five of my children but because my ex husband paid child support all year I allowed him to claim one of our children. He asked a few times if he could claim both and I let him know no, tax season isn't the only time to be a father, my kids aren't just his tax right off. It irritated me beyond words.

On Saturday his Aunt filed his taxes and wrote me (thankfully) to double check if he was allowed to claim both kids (he told her we agreed upon this) and I let her know that I absolutely did not give him permission to claim both. No problem, she only filed him claiming Alexia.

It's hard because I know he could use the money right now, but I can't think like that. I have to think like a mother. I support them all year with little to no help from him and I am not responsible for him, I am responsible for them. But, being the person I am, it's hard to be selfish.

I am getting more back this year then any other year and it's going to go towards getting my kids new beds, new dressers, new toys buckets, new clothes, new shoes, decorate their new rooms when we move to a bigger place, moving to a bigger place, maintenance work on the car that takes them everywhere etc. I am extremely excited to see their faces when it's all done and put together!! :)

Interal battle- 0  Jamie's kids- 1